Monday, January 28, 2013

Celebrities, Eh Who Needs Em'

This story from a baker who is blessed or rather cursed with some celebrity clients...

I've been dealing with this Celebrity client (Ugh. The WORST) who is a repeat customer, which is cool. She's a sweetheart, but this girl never gives me more than 36 hours notice on an order. 

AHHHHH!


AND she texts me constantly.
AND keeps asking me if I can add stuff to the design.
AND keeps changing the delivery time on me.
Good lord, help me, I might just smack her.  Call Perez & TMZ cuz it's about to go down.


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Hahaha love that she's gonna lay the smack down! As I told this baker, I'm from a super small town, and the closest celebrity I have is the winner of the Best Apple Pie contest and she's such a diva...

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Bitch Betta Run

Oh fellow bakers, my thermometer was like a degree away from being Bitch Betta Run! After talking with this infuriating mom, we decided on a delivery time of 3:00. Well, at 2:30 she texts me and asks, "Just incase, would 3:30 ok?

Deep Breath... my reply "I really need to know an exact time because I have to bring my 2 young children with me and don't want to be waiting in the car." As if I really need a ducking reason for her to be on time. I'm not gonna wait anywhere for 30 ducking mins because you're not sure if you can make it by 3!

Her reply, "3:30 is fine."

Me: "Ok see you then."

So, I arrive at the agreed location at 3:30 on the ducking dot... 3:45...3:50... Bitch Betta Run

4 mother ducking o'clock

"I'm sorry I'm late."

_______________________

Oh really?! Well, I'm sorry that I took your cake out of my car, gently placed it in the parking lot, and ran over it 12 times... that'll be $214 please... can't forget the tax.

No Money Back Guarantee for Dumb Ass


This is from a Baker in Georgia... 

After all her hard work in decorating her amazing cakes, she has a sign up that basically gives the rules of transporting their custom cake.  

Basic stuff - flat level surface, don't make crazy turns, don't go into a store and let your cake sit in a hot car, don't let the heater blow on it if it's winter time .... common sense stuff. I even reiterate  this before the cake is turned over to their hands, my delivery driver will even reiterate this. But, unfortunately, there are still dumb asses in this world. A pre-madonna lady calls me asking for her money back or at least another cake for FREE. 

ME: "Right, I'll jump right on that for you" 

Pre-madonna: "I knew you wouldn't give me any issues with this..." and she then proceeds to tell me how I am going to fix the situation. All I hear is blah, blah, blah. 

ME: What exactly was wrong with your cake? 

Premadonna: "It was melted! The icing just melted down the sides of the cake!" 

ME: "Ah, I know exactly what happened and I'm sorry but I can't refund you any money. I have clauses in my shop and on my website clearly stating certain happenings can happen with your cake if ......" 

And I proceed to tell her the following story about her and her cake. Mrs. Premadonna comes to pick up her 3 tier Dora cake. Explicit instructions were given on the phone and before she leaves. I carry the cake to her car and I spend 15 minutes of MY TIME trying to get her seats level so the cake doesn't sit on a ducking slope. She leaves like a bat out of hell because it's my fault her seats weren't level and she didn't bring anything to level them out with (even told her on the phone - bring a towel or board if possible) Geez! Being that was the last cake of the day I decide to go to the grocery store. See a familiar little car in the parking lot, walk into the store and there she is. DUCK!!! 25 minutes have passed and I bet that damn cake is sitting in her car and it's 90 degrees outside, so 1,000 degrees in the car. So, I nicely walk past her and say... 

"Oh, hey, had I known you had an errand to run, you could have left the cake at the shop until you were finished" 

She replies, "Oh, no worries, I'm only going to be a few minutes." 

Right, 30 minutes now. So, I grab my items, I walk out and her car is still in the ducking parking lot - 45 mins now. I walk past her car, and see the cake in the front seat out of the box. WTH?! The sun beating down on it, MELTED! RIGHT?! Like I gave her money back, lol. Dumbass!

______________________________________________

I believe dumbass is an understatement! 

Moment of silence for Dora...

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

OMG It's Your Birthday!

Sooooo I've mentioned this issue I have with a few of my baker friends and they think I'm crazy so feel free to disagree, but I am The Bitchy Baker so don't be surprised.

It makes me sooo annoyed when someone asks me to put Happy Birthday on a cake! I mean why? Why do I need to physically pipe out or worse, cut out each individual letter and then place those maddening 13 letters perfectly straight on your cake. Has anyone been invited to a birthday party and not known that it was a birthday party?

Oh wow, look at that amazing cake... Happy...uh Happy Birthday!! OMG I had no idea it was your birthday! Wow, I thought we were all here to celebrate the number 31! You know like on Seasame Street, the number of the day is 31. Gosh, thanks for clarifying that its your birthday because the invitations, banner, and ad in the local paper with your baby picture wasn't hint enough! Well, I'm embarrassed.

Shit!

You're totally gonna hate putting it on a cake now... Just give into it... Life is good on the dark side

Woooohaahaaaha (evil laugh)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Did you just say Hold?!

Holy Hell! If you want me to hate you before we even discuss your cake, call me and tell me to Hold On!

I just had a lady call ME today to ask ME about ordering a baby shower cake. She then said she needed a cake to serve about 40 people. I just started to say, well you'll probably be ok with a 2 tier ca.... "Hold On BB, I'm getting another call..." Oh hell no! You don't call ME, and ask ME to hold as if my time is not valuable!

________________________

My Thermometer :

- Bitch Betta Run
-
- No She Didn't
-
- Oh Holy Hell
-
- Mad as Hell
-
- Mad
-
- Annoyed


I thought PTA Moms were on top of their Game!


LAST YEAR:

Riiiiiiing!  "Hi, Cake Decorator Mama!  This is Super PTA Mama.  We just LOVED the cake you donated to the teacher appreciation luncheon at school.  We were wondering if you could donate a really cool cake for our Father-Daughter Dance?"

Cake Mama: "Oh, thanks.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I'd love to help the PTA if I can.  When is the dance?  I don't have any daughters, so I wasn't paying attention."

Super PTA Mama: "Next Friday." (It's Thursday now, so she means it's in 8 days.)

Cake Mama: "Oh, well. . . um, I'm already nearly entirely booked for that date.  I might could squeeze in some simple cupcakes."

Super PTA Mama: "Oh that would be ok, I suppose. . . I mean, If we can't get a cake."

Cake Mama: "OK, well, how many do you think you'll need?"

Super PTA Mama: "600"

Cake Mama: "600?  You are asking me to donate 600 cupcakes?"

Super PTA Mama: "If you could."

Cake Mama: "I can't.  I just can't.  I could maybe do you a bunch of mini cupcakes.  How about 6 batches?  That's 36 dozen.  That's, let's see, 432 mini cupcakes.  I can do each batch in a different flavor.  Would that work?"

Super PTA Mama: "Well. . . ok, I guess."

Cake Mama: "I mean, you'll need other desserts, but it's a start."

Super PTA Mama: "Alright."

Cake Mama: "Well, next year, contact me about 2-3 months beforehand and I'll see what I can do. I book-up fast, so you'll want to get on the calendar early."


THIS YEAR:

Riiiiiiing!  "Hi, Cake Decorator Mama!  This is Super PTA Mama.  We just LOVED the mini cupcakes you donated last year.  We were wondering if you could donate a really cool cake for our Father-Daughter Dance this year?"

Cake Mama: "When is the dance?  I don't have any daughters."

Super PTA Mama: "It's in 3 weeks.  It's a 50's theme, a sock hop. We need 600 servings."

Cake Mama: "Three weeks?  Um. . . OK, let me see what I can do.  I'll cut you a deal and comp some things.  I'll itemize it, write it up, and email it to you." (I did - A three tier custom cake and 10 supplemental sheet cakes)

CRICKETS, CRICKETS, CRICKETS

Riiiiiiing!  "Hi, Cake Decorator Mama!  We just CAN'T spend $850 on CAKE."

Cake Mama: "You know what.  I think you should call Costco. . . . "

_________________________________

When Cake Mama sent me this email, I had to bend over and pick my eyeballs off the floor! 600 servings!!!! I'm almost speechless... except for a big ole "DUCK YOU! PTA Mama!"

Monday, January 21, 2013

No... don't go ...

They don't call her the Cranky Caker for no reason... am I right!! Ha ha love it!

She had a customer walk into her store on a Friday afternoon after just completing their last cake for the weekend.

Customer: I'd like to order something for my daughter's birthday.

Her: What were you thinking of?

Customer: One Jumbo Cupcake.

Her: When do you need it for?

Customer: Tomorrow.

Her: Sorry. We won't be able to do that for you, but we do have our specialty cupcakes for sale everyday.

Customer: Really, you can't do it!

Her: Sorry.

Customer: Well, you just lost a customer.

_________________________________________________________________

HA! I'm sorry... really... does she expect to be chased after and begged to remain a customer! I might would make her that cupcake, but I would hand her a bill for $50... Uh Yes, this is for the aggravation fee, the cost of mixing an entire recipe of batter for your one measly cupcake, and finally a portion of my power bill for having to turn on my commercial oven for that very same cupcake. But please tell your daughter Happy Birthday!

It's about Quality!!

This post comes from the Cranky Caker (Love that name!)

Customer walks into her cake shop Ohhh-ing and Ahhhh-ing over the delicious looking cupcakes.

Customer: How much are they?

Her: $2.25 each

Customer: WOW! That much for a cupcake?

Her: The cupcake shop down the road starts at $3.50 each.

Customer: Oh yea, I have had theirs. They don't taste good!

DUUUHHHH!

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Soooooo they"ll pay $3.50 for a terrible cupcake, but they question Cranky for her delicious $2.25 cupcakes... duck you and may her door hit you in your cheap ass on your way out!

Baskin Robbins My Ass

One of the most infuriating emails I received was from a bride who must have been an only child. At least that's what I have to keep telling myself to justify her Princess attitude...

We had been emailing back and forth about her wedding and the cake that she wanted. She would ask me these dumb questions and repeat questions I had already answered at least 2x. So, she asked me about scheduling a consult so she could try some of my cakes. I of course agreed but felt queasy because I could tell she was going to be one of those high maintenance brides that was going to cause trouble down the road. Anyways, on the last email she sent me she asked me if I was going to bring samples of ALL of my cakes listed on my website!!!!!!!!

Are you ducking kidding me!! I have like 30 something flavors on my website. Yes, Yes, please allow me to put my life on hold, cancel alllll my other orders, miss my kids T-ball game, spend hundreds of dollars on the ingredients, stay up the entire night to then cut up all the 30 something flavors with their matching fillings, frosting, curds, and swirls... to then present this entire spread to you and your poor fiancé who by the way is doomed.... on a platinum serving tray with enchanted candle sticks, silverware, and teapots singing in the background behind me!

I think I am slowly getting over this... does it sound like it?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

You're Joking

One of the biggest times I have been absolutely pissed and angered to the point of murder was when this Bride called me and said...

-- "Yes, I was wondering if I could bake my own cake, and just have you ice and decorate it because I like my cakes the best."

"No, I am sorry I won't do that."

-- "Oh, you won't?"

"No, I'm sorry."

-- "There's no way you'll do that for me?"

"I, uh, ummmm....No"

-- "Oh, ok, are you really sure you can't do that?"
_____________________________________________________________

By the ducking 3rd mother ducking time she asked me... I was about to crawl through the phone, wrap my food colored hands around her cheap neck and tell her where she can shove her "delicious" cake... in her ASS, just so we're clear!


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

How about $225

Fellow Bakers, you know what customer I am talking about...

Susie,

Ok, for the cake you wanted with the design we discussed it will be $250.

Thanks and I look forward to making your cake,
BB


Dear BB,
 
Ok, everything sounds great, but would you take $225?

Thanks,
Susie

Dear Susie,

It is my goal to always give my customer the best price. I choose to use the finest ingredients and put a lot of time in creating and designing my cakes. This is also how I provide for my family. So, no, the price is $250. If you decide to remove some of the details you wanted to add to the cake, it will lower the price and we might could get it to $225

Thanks,
BB

Dear BB,

That's ok, I'll stick with my design and pay the $250
________________________________________________________________

Who the hell do these people think they are?! This isn't a duckin haggle!! Do you go to your grocery store and when they tell you it's $125 for all the groceries YOU decided to add to your cart, you say no, I'll just pay you $100 thanks!

Duckin Idiots!!! Pay me for my amazing skill and talent... and be glad I even agreed to make your cake because I'm the shit!

Cheap Ass!

This is from a Baker in Georgia, I think we all hate this Bride for her...

Ring Ring...

"Hello this is Anonymous Baker ."

     -"Uh yes, I was just at the Bridal show that you attended and I loved those cakes you had! They were so delicious! I was wondering if I could set up an consult with my mother to try some more of your cakes."

"Yes, I would love to set up and appointment with you to discuss your wedding cake, but there won't be a tasting since you just tasted my cakes yesterday and those would be the same samples I would give you here."

    - "Oh no, I already have someone else making my wedding cake... I just wanted to eat more of your cake."

______________________________________________________________

Yes, everyone in the whole ducking world hates you Bride... Can I get an AMEN!



Friday, January 4, 2013

Come Again, Say What!!

Hey BB,

   I really want to go over the top this year! We've just done store bought cakes in the past, but I saw your website and thought, "I have got to have one of her cakes!"

  Anyways, I want to get a 6 tier cake with a Hollywood theme. I want her name in lights that actually work, I want a bag of popcorn spilling down the cake, I want there to be fireworks exploding out of the back, and Oh my gosh... I want Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio's final scene together, you know when they are on the in the water together...Titanic is her favorite movie... "I'll never let go Jack!" I also want one of those "ACTION" snapper things and I want it to say Take 16, you know, cause it's her 16th birthday (thought of that myself, pretty clever). Anyways, I am on kind of a strict budget so I was wondering how much something like this would be?

Thanks and I look forward to hearing back from you,
Excited Mom

Dear Excited Mom,

   This cake sounds amazing and I would love to do it, but the word budget doesn't really match up with this cake. First of all, a 6 tier cake serves a little more that 300 people and with that design... you are looking at spending about $3,000. But just let me know how many servings you need and maybe we can do some of the elements you want on a slightly smaller scale.

Thanks,
BB


Hey BB,

  I only need servings for 12 people and my budget is $40, what can I get for that?

________________________________________________________________

Bitch you owe me $100 for just reading your emails...Duck You!

You're Booked?

"Hello, thank you for calling Anonymous Cake Shop, this is BB."

    -"Hello, yes, I would like to order a cake for my son's 1st birthday."

"Ok mam, what kind of cake are you looking for?"

    -"Well...uh... he likes Elmo..."

"Ok, I can definitely do an Elmo cake. How many servings do you need?"

     -"Well lets see, I guess I'll need enough for about 30 people."

"Great, what flavor do you want his cake to be?"

     -"What flavors do you have?"

"There's a full list on my website."

     - "Never mind, I'll just do vanilla."

"Ok, perfect... what's the date of his party so I can go ahead and put you on my calendar?"

   - "Oh, it's tomorrow."

"Uhhhhhh....I'm sorry I'm already booked this weekend and I require at least 2 weeks notice."

    - "Well!!! That's ridiculous! I mean how much time do you need...it's just cake!"
________________________________________________________

You know, the funny thing about birthdays is, they are always on the same ducking day bitch!! Amazing how you forget so fast after popping a baby out of your secret place. Thanks for wasting my time... think of me again next year though...


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Seriously Bitch?

Wow!! You know that feeling you get when you get a new email from a potential client. You are sooo excited to open that email in the hopes that they want some awesome, off the wall cake. They may rock your world even more with a "Hey, you are the cake genius why don't you just make something amazing for me. You have complete creative freedom." Then, you start to read...

"Um yes, I seen your cakes and they is awesome. I really want somethan custom for my daughter this year. I realy dont want that same old cake from walmart. But I was wondering though, could you make your cake tastes like walmarts do cause them cakes taste good?"

What...huh...shit...seriously?!?! DUCK YOU! She received no response in order to remain a lady.

Misguided

Hey you, whoever told you that asking me to make cupcakes for your child's birthday because that'll be sooo much easier on me, DUCK you!! Yes, making 48 handmade mini nail polishes, lipsticks, purses, and makeup brushes all on a 3" cupcake topper is such a duckin breeze! Thanks for taking that stress of  having to decorate the nice large canvas that is cake and asking me make you ducking cupcakes that have to be 3 different flavors with 4 different icings and you'd like me to put "Happy Super Duper Wonderful We Love You Always and Forever Please Stop Growing Up and Stay a Baby Forever Love, Mom and Dad" on that same 3" topper. Duck You Mommy of the Year!

A Place to Release

Mother DUCKER!!! I hate people! I think we have all had this thought at some point in our careers as bakers. It amazes me that people can be so ignorant and offensive and have no clue. I wanted to start this blog as a way for us to vent and laugh at each others horrible experiences, conversations, and the times we have to bite our tongue when all we really want to do is lash out and bash skulls! Please email me your experiences and I will post your story to my blog for others to laugh with, possibly cry with, and definitely curse with you. I want everyone to be able to express how they truly feel unedited. Let the Bitchyness begin!!