All Hail The Queen

So, I dubbed myself "The Bitchy Baker" but it turns out that my title has been snatch and upgraded by a motha duckin Queen Bitchy Baker! Y'all won't believe this, but a girl in my area who has been doing cakes a few years longer than I have... who apparently stalks not only mine but all other caker's Facebook pages with anger, hatred, and jealousy in her eyes and has even called the Deparment of Agriculture and/or Health Department on anyone who is not licensed has decided to go onto the sweetest Bitchy Bakers FB page and leave her a 1 star review!! Now take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and slide on your "gonna beat a bitch boots" and head my way to knock this girl out! I mean really?! I don't even know this woman and she has never had any of my amazing shit yet she feels the need to go on my page and give me 1 star! That's one bold ass... and sooo green with envy mother ducker! All Hail the Queen...

Budget You Say?!

Am I the only one who determines whether they love or hate a bride just by their email? I don't know if it was because I was raised by parents who loved me or if it's just because I have a soul and conscience but I find it incredibly rude if the opening line of your email is, "How much your cakes are because I'm on a budget and I gotta see if you cost too much." I mean, do you really think that I'm going to be like, "Hell Yeah I'm sooo pumped to make your cake, so lets talk numbers!" because I damn sure hate to break it to you, but I just don't think you are the right bride for me! I don't expect people to smother me with compliments or to worship me like the cake queen that I am, but a little class, common sense, and manners go a whole lot further.

Shit Comes In 3's

My hiatus has been more about the lack of ducking idiots then it has been about apathy for BB. But all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come in 3's and ... More other ducking stereotypical sayings...

1. Call me the dumb, trusting Bitchy Baker but I got stood up on $150 cake where the excuse purely was my car got messed up and I had to use the money for the cake on my car. Fine, shit happens, but who the duck orders a cake when apparently you only have $150 to your entire name!! That's it apparently! You have not one single penny to your name but the $150 you have to pay to fix your car. 

2. Apparently, someone is to assume that when you originally want to order a 6" cake at $50 and then decide to order a two tier cake at $150 that somehow that two tier cake should be $50 as well. So, when you deliver said cake and request $150 from the husband at his place of business he proceeds to be obviously annoyed and yells at you saying "What happened to $50!!" Well, being that it's an emotional week because you just got stood up for cake, you immediately get emotional causing the secretary to come from behind her desk to give you a hug because she feels so bad for you just getting yelled at for no reason or fault of your own!!

3. You know I always save the best for last for you all... A woman writes you private messages on Facebook wanting to order a cake from you. After several ridiculous questions and one very nice complement, which makes you overlook previous dumb questions, she proceeds to ask "Do you take EBT? I only ask because I know Walmart and Kroger do."

Duck this mother duckin week!! That is all!

Sorry Bout It!

I have never studdered so much on the phone than during this recent conversation with a bride.

Bride: Hey... Ummmm... I was wanting to meet with you to discuss my wedding cake.

Me: Ok what's the date of your wedding?

Bride: It's in June, I was wanting just an 8" custom cake, I don't want a whole wedding cake and I wanted to meet with you to try some cake and discuss my design.

Me: Wh... Uh... Wha... Hmmm... You want just an 8" cake? 

Bride: Yeah, ain't everyone gonna eat cake and I want one just for my table. 

Me: Wellll.... Uh...

Bride: I'm mean I'm going to have cake for the guests too.

Me: Oh ok, so you will be ordering more cake from me?

Bride: No, I'm just gonna get sheet cakes from Publix for the guests but I wanted a custom cake for the head table.

At this point it was just a mixture of me laughing and saying no, I'm sorry.

 I mean really! I wouldn't have had a problem making her cake but to schedule a consult where I would have to take an hour out of my day to meet with you for a $90 cake where I have to provide samples of cakes for this single 8" cake and you are going to tell me a design that's obviously too difficult to discuss over email for you to then order cakes from Publix! Duck no!!

Sorry Bout It!!

R.I.P

I recently did a consultation for a young couple who decided to bring her parents along. Well, her dad sat right next to me but yet never looked in my direction when he would talk like I didn't exist. So, this is starting off really great! The bride had this *awesome* idea of doing very bright colors for each tier. Hey, I'm all about different until she told me the colors...

Hot Pink

Red

Purple

Yellow 

Orange

Say Whaaaaat!! Do you ever get to point the consultation where you just want to scream STOP, you don't want to do this! Are you sure you want me to create this mass of ugliness and charge you for it! Not only have I been raised that pink and red do NOT go together, but in what planet do all 5 of those colors come together beautifully without it being at an eyesore. We aren't talking a Moroccan wedding cake, just a good ole' southern throw down with pastel mints, punch, and a dish of peanuts... (Southerners get me here). Can I get an Amen Y'all!

Anyways, she then tells me she wants white scroll work on top of it. Oh shit it just got worse... I just can't go any further with this because I feel sorry for her cake. Holding tears back as I write... 

Anyways, I tell them the price and that went over *really well*! I would assume her dad was laughing at me but since he wouldn't acknowledge my existence I'm gonna go with his daughter taste is colors!

THEN, my favorite part... The groom chimes in "shoot, we should just go to the grocery store, buy a couple them cakes and stack'em on top of each other!"

My forehead exploded all over his face and my eyeballs burned into his soul with hate and death! You can find his obituary in the local paper. I'll make sure and send the family a couple of stacked grocery store cakes to the funeral. May he and that poor wedding cake R.I.P.

Dentures Required

I'm actually going to give you the very shortened version of this interesting phone conversation...

I was referred this customer for a very last minute order. I don't normally accept such late orders but for some reason I was feeling nice. It was actually a bit of a painful conversation as far as trying to explain what my process is when I create a cake as they were only used to ordering from a grocery store. The flavor chosen was Keylime. I don't know about everyone else who reads this blog, but in the south the Keylime cake is white cake with lime Jell-O added, cream cheese icing, and pecans. This is the traditional southern way. Well, when you contact me, I use real fresh Keylime juice to make my cake as well as lime zest. So, no Jell-O box mix in this cake. I also usually pair it with strawberry Swiss meringue buttercream. I was explaining this to him when he said oh no I'm used to the southern way, but your's sounds great. Can you still add pecans to the cake? I said sure, no problem. So, then he tells me could you please cut the pecans in big pieces because the birthday girl, whose turning 60 by the way, didn't bring her dentures with her so she needs to be able to pick out the pecans.

That just struck me so funny that the sweet lady is about to have a landmark birthday surrounded by friends and family and she forgot her danged ole' teeth haha! Hope that makes you laugh today! 

Left My Swatches At Home

Man I hate brides sometimes! I mean really! I just received an email from a girl after writing her that I couldn't give her a price without knowing her cake design and servings needed. She wrote back saying that she's gettin married in September, ain't everybody gonna eat cake, I want the cake to be a surprise and my colors are Ocean Spritz, Pistachio Cream, and Wings of a Dragonfly... Ok so I made those up but you know exactly what I mean! I mean really, what happened to blue, green, and purple... Simple as that!! Sorry, I don't have my David's Bridal Swatch book/ Lingo Translator on me!!

Son of a Bitch!! I'm not even gonna touch on what she means by her cake being a surprise... I have no energy left after making up those new colors that David's Bridal is going to steal from me because let's face it... They were awesome ;-)