Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Shit Comes In 3's

My hiatus has been more about the lack of ducking idiots then it has been about apathy for BB. But all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come in 3's and ... More other ducking stereotypical sayings...

1. Call me the dumb, trusting Bitchy Baker but I got stood up on $150 cake where the excuse purely was my car got messed up and I had to use the money for the cake on my car. Fine, shit happens, but who the duck orders a cake when apparently you only have $150 to your entire name!! That's it apparently! You have not one single penny to your name but the $150 you have to pay to fix your car. 

2. Apparently, someone is to assume that when you originally want to order a 6" cake at $50 and then decide to order a two tier cake at $150 that somehow that two tier cake should be $50 as well. So, when you deliver said cake and request $150 from the husband at his place of business he proceeds to be obviously annoyed and yells at you saying "What happened to $50!!" Well, being that it's an emotional week because you just got stood up for cake, you immediately get emotional causing the secretary to come from behind her desk to give you a hug because she feels so bad for you just getting yelled at for no reason or fault of your own!!

3. You know I always save the best for last for you all... A woman writes you private messages on Facebook wanting to order a cake from you. After several ridiculous questions and one very nice complement, which makes you overlook previous dumb questions, she proceeds to ask "Do you take EBT? I only ask because I know Walmart and Kroger do."

Duck this mother duckin week!! That is all!

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sorry Bout It!

I have never studdered so much on the phone than during this recent conversation with a bride.

Bride: Hey... Ummmm... I was wanting to meet with you to discuss my wedding cake.

Me: Ok what's the date of your wedding?

Bride: It's in June, I was wanting just an 8" custom cake, I don't want a whole wedding cake and I wanted to meet with you to try some cake and discuss my design.

Me: Wh... Uh... Wha... Hmmm... You want just an 8" cake? 

Bride: Yeah, ain't everyone gonna eat cake and I want one just for my table. 

Me: Wellll.... Uh...
Bride: I'm mean I'm going to have cake for the guests too.

Me: Oh ok, so you will be ordering more cake from me?

Bride: No, I'm just gonna get sheet cakes from Publix for the guests but I wanted a custom cake for the head table.

At this point it was just a mixture of me laughing and saying no, I'm sorry.

 I mean really! I wouldn't have had a problem making her cake but to schedule a consult where I would have to take an hour out of my day to meet with you for a $90 cake where I have to provide samples of cakes for this single 8" cake and you are going to tell me a design that's obviously too difficult to discuss over email for you to then order cakes from Publix! Duck no!!

Sorry Bout It!!




Wednesday, February 19, 2014

R.I.P

I recently did a consultation for a young couple who decided to bring her parents along. Well, her dad sat right next to me but yet never looked in my direction when he would talk like I didn't exist. So, this is starting off really great! The bride had this *awesome* idea of doing very bright colors for each tier. Hey, I'm all about different until she told me the colors...
Hot Pink
Red
Purple
Yellow 
Orange

Say Whaaaaat!! Do you ever get to point the consultation where you just want to scream STOP, you don't want to do this! Are you sure you want me to create this mass of ugliness and charge you for it! Not only have I been raised that pink and red do NOT go together, but in what planet do all 5 of those colors come together beautifully without it being at an eyesore. We aren't talking a Moroccan wedding cake, just a good ole' southern throw down with pastel mints, punch, and a dish of peanuts... (Southerners get me here). Can I get an Amen Y'all!

Anyways, she then tells me she wants white scroll work on top of it. Oh shit it just got worse... I just can't go any further with this because I feel sorry for her cake. Holding tears back as I write... 

Anyways, I tell them the price and that went over *really well*! I would assume her dad was laughing at me but since he wouldn't acknowledge my existence I'm gonna go with his daughter taste is colors!

THEN, my favorite part... The groom chimes in "shoot, we should just go to the grocery store, buy a couple them cakes and stack'em on top of each other!"

My forehead exploded all over his face and my eyeballs burned into his soul with hate and death! You can find his obituary in the local paper. I'll make sure and send the family a couple of stacked grocery store cakes to the funeral. May he and that poor wedding cake R.I.P.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Dentures Required

I'm actually going to give you the very shortened version of this interesting phone conversation...

I was referred this customer for a very last minute order. I don't normally accept such late orders but for some reason I was feeling nice. It was actually a bit of a painful conversation as far as trying to explain what my process is when I create a cake as they were only used to ordering from a grocery store. The flavor chosen was Keylime. I don't know about everyone else who reads this blog, but in the south the Keylime cake is white cake with lime Jell-O added, cream cheese icing, and pecans. This is the traditional southern way. Well, when you contact me, I use real fresh Keylime juice to make my cake as well as lime zest. So, no Jell-O box mix in this cake. I also usually pair it with strawberry Swiss meringue buttercream. I was explaining this to him when he said oh no I'm used to the southern way, but your's sounds great. Can you still add pecans to the cake? I said sure, no problem. So, then he tells me could you please cut the pecans in big pieces because the birthday girl, whose turning 60 by the way, didn't bring her dentures with her so she needs to be able to pick out the pecans.


That just struck me so funny that the sweet lady is about to have a landmark birthday surrounded by friends and family and she forgot her danged ole' teeth haha! Hope that makes you laugh today! 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Left My Swatches At Home

Man I hate brides sometimes! I mean really! I just received an email from a girl after writing her that I couldn't give her a price without knowing her cake design and servings needed. She wrote back saying that she's gettin married in September, ain't everybody gonna eat cake, I want the cake to be a surprise and my colors are Ocean Spritz, Pistachio Cream, and Wings of a Dragonfly... Ok so I made those up but you know exactly what I mean! I mean really, what happened to blue, green, and purple... Simple as that!! Sorry, I don't have my David's Bridal Swatch book/ Lingo Translator on me!!

Son of a Bitch!! I'm not even gonna touch on what she means by her cake being a surprise... I have no energy left after making up those new colors that David's Bridal is going to steal from me because let's face it... They were awesome ;-)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I Hate You... That's All I Got

I'm laying here with skin under my nails from grabbing and clawing my face in frustration!! People are naturally stupid! It makes me so angry that people are so ducking lazy now days. 

This girl is writing on FB asking me if #1 I can make a cake in Nov. Um yes, I've been in business for 3 years now because I have every day of every month available!! 
#2 Can you make a Team's Football cake? Um yes bitch I have done at least 3 cakes that are on my ducking page you just ducking wrote me on (imagine me yelling that because I totally did!!) 
#3 She askes me if my name Teresa!!! All of my ducking information is written on the ducking page you are writing me from (yelling and peeling my face off in hatred and annoyance!!) Needless to say my name is not Teresa.

**deep breath**

Thursday, August 29, 2013

You Got Skills But...

So, I'm gonna need you put on your pissed off pants for me before you start reading this! It's so ridiculous that we all just have to start off mad together.

I just received a picture of this message from a fellow BB that was taken through her FB messenger...

Customer: My daughter is turning 17 on Sept 14th and I wanted to order a Samsung Galaxy themed cake, are you available? 

Fellow BB: How many servings?

Customer: 10-15

Fellow BB: Depending on the final level of detail you are looking at at least $75

Customer: Ok. Also, if possible, can you tell me if the cake mix is homemade? Not to take anything away from your skills, you truly have beautiful work. However, I would like for the cake mix to be Duncan Hines (yellow). I can actually purchase how many boxes would be needed if possible.

Fellow BB: I only bake from scratch.

Customer: Ok, I'll let you know.

________________________________

BB's Final Thoughts:

Are you ducking kidding me! I personally know this baker and have eaten her cake on several occasions and its "slap yo momma" delicious!! Like sitting on your couch in your granny panties curled up in a blanket watching Steel Magnolia's good! Ok!! So now that I've cleared that up...

If you contact a CUSTOM Caker who has been in business for years and tell her to trade her real butter and delicious, fine ingredients for preservatives and powdery whatever it is... Who can ever open those bags by hand either. I'd like to meet you, those things are impossible to open... Anyways, all that aside to move to the next point... So, if she somehow agreed to make your mix, why would the customer need to purchase the boxes. It's like a dollar a box, does she think that there's an up charge of $5 for a $1 box of cake. My mind is blown in so many ways that I just have no words anymore!!