Saturday, June 13, 2015

Under the Kitchen Sink

Yes I wanted a very special cake for this Tuesday... 
Oh I'm so sorry but I usually require at least 2 weeks notice and am currently booked until August.

 Oh really??! Awe man... It's just small, I guess I'll have to think of something else... I mean you don't have anything lying around?? I just need a basketball cake
Oh shit! I just found one under my sink... Exactly where I left it... Just lying around... It happens to be a basketball cake in the exact size and flavor you would like. I'm glad you happen to ask me if I had some lying around cause I don't know what I would have done with this small basketball cake?

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Idiot Proof

I feel like my website is pretty idiot proof but it turns out idiots need cake too!

It's a simple, standard contact form at the Contact tab of my website.

Date of Event-
Servings Needed-

Seems simple enough right?!

Subject- can you connect me (555-DUMB) I think she meant "contact" me but that's just my brain, actually working and trying to interpret her message.
Date of event- June 20 2015 (good girl, you got that one right!)
Servings needed- cake (that's my favorite one)

No, don't think for a second I forgot to put something on that last one cause that's what she put... Jack shit!

Seriously?!?!?! Deep breath! And by the way, since writing this post, she has now Facebook messaged me and called my phone... Seems like she's not have a problem connecting now.

Friday, April 17, 2015


Hey Miss BB, this is the sweetest southern voice you have ever heard ma'am. I just wanted to call and say that my daughter is graduating in May and I just don't think she really wants one of your cakes, just maybe some cupcakes and some decorative cookies. Can we come and meet with you to talk about it?

Ohhhh man, I'm so sorry sweet southern voice, but I'm crazy booked up with weddings every weekend.

(Sweet southern voice magically disappears) "Oh ok thanks then"

Well, said in my sweet southern voice, feel free to contact my friend. She does awesome work and I bet she's available. Here's all her info so you can give her a call.

"Oh ok, does she make cupcakes and cookies and all that kind of stuff?"

No you idiot, she makes balloon animals!! My BAD! Mother Ducker!!

Friday, January 30, 2015

I'm That Big

I hadn't realized that I had gotten so big that I needed a personal assistant.

My phone rang yesterday with what seems to be a very confused girl even though she contacted me. I think one of the most frustrating ways to start a conversation is...

"hi this is the Bitchy Baker"

"yes can I talk to the Bitchy Baker"

(Mother ducker!!!!!! What did I just say!) "hold on one minute while I go get her hello this is the Bitchy Baker"

"Ummm ummm, yea, what kind of business do you have?"

(�� what the duck?!?!) "I make cakes" *said in the most annoyed, sarcastic voice ever!*

"Ummm Umm Hol' On" 

--the duck she just told me to hold on!! Oh hellllllll no!!! You do not call me and ask me to hold on... Unless you want me to scrape your face off with my palette knife!!!


"Oh ummmm, ummm do you have like a store?"

-- by this point it's all I can do not to hang up the phone and punch a hole in my precious pink walls!"

"Yes" I say with a demonic voice

"Ok, ummm I was calling to see if you wanted a personal assistant"


Hahahahahahaha seriously!! Even if I was in a cake coma and had buttercream coming out of my eyeballs I would never hire you!! You call me you don't listen when I answer the phone, you tell me to hold on, you don't even know what kind of business I have, and you don't even know if I have a shop that I work out of! Why would you want to work for me!!! You know nothing about me, this is completely ridiculous!! I hate you goodbye!

Saturday, November 8, 2014

All Hail The Queen

So, I dubbed myself "The Bitchy Baker" but it turns out that my title has been snatch and upgraded by a motha duckin Queen Bitchy Baker! Y'all won't believe this, but a girl in my area who has been doing cakes a few years longer than I have... who apparently stalks not only mine but all other caker's Facebook pages with anger, hatred, and jealousy in her eyes and has even called the Deparment of Agriculture and/or Health Department on anyone who is not licensed has decided to go onto the sweetest Bitchy Bakers FB page and leave her a 1 star review!! Now take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and slide on your "gonna beat a bitch boots" and head my way to knock this girl out! I mean really?! I don't even know this woman and she has never had any of my amazing shit yet she feels the need to go on my page and give me 1 star! That's one bold ass... and sooo green with envy mother ducker! All Hail the Queen...

Friday, August 29, 2014

Budget You Say?!

Am I the only one who determines whether they love or hate a bride just by their email? I don't know if it was because I was raised by parents who loved me or if it's just because I have a soul and conscience but I find it incredibly rude if the opening line of your email is, "How much your cakes are because I'm on a budget and I gotta see if you cost too much." I mean, do you really think that I'm going to be like, "Hell Yeah I'm sooo pumped to make your cake, so lets talk numbers!" because I damn sure hate to break it to you, but I just don't think you are the right bride for me! I don't expect people to smother me with compliments or to worship me like the cake queen that I am, but a little class, common sense, and manners go a whole lot further.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Shit Comes In 3's

My hiatus has been more about the lack of ducking idiots then it has been about apathy for BB. But all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come in 3's and ... More other ducking stereotypical sayings...

1. Call me the dumb, trusting Bitchy Baker but I got stood up on $150 cake where the excuse purely was my car got messed up and I had to use the money for the cake on my car. Fine, shit happens, but who the duck orders a cake when apparently you only have $150 to your entire name!! That's it apparently! You have not one single penny to your name but the $150 you have to pay to fix your car. 

2. Apparently, someone is to assume that when you originally want to order a 6" cake at $50 and then decide to order a two tier cake at $150 that somehow that two tier cake should be $50 as well. So, when you deliver said cake and request $150 from the husband at his place of business he proceeds to be obviously annoyed and yells at you saying "What happened to $50!!" Well, being that it's an emotional week because you just got stood up for cake, you immediately get emotional causing the secretary to come from behind her desk to give you a hug because she feels so bad for you just getting yelled at for no reason or fault of your own!!

3. You know I always save the best for last for you all... A woman writes you private messages on Facebook wanting to order a cake from you. After several ridiculous questions and one very nice complement, which makes you overlook previous dumb questions, she proceeds to ask "Do you take EBT? I only ask because I know Walmart and Kroger do."

Duck this mother duckin week!! That is all!