Lazy Ass!

This message comes from an angry southern belle who is dropping her southern charm and channeling her inner witchy-ness...

This one takes the cake! The mother duckin 4 tier cake!!

My mother and I are fellow Bitchy Bakers and this girl just decided to send my mother and I a motha ducking group message. First of all, if you want me to make a fondant voodoo doll of you and crush you with my bare hands than send me a text message trying to order a cake!! Secondly, to have the nerve to include another baker in the message like you want us to quote against each other... well girl, betta get ready for my wrath! 

Who the hell do you think you are!! Have we gotten so lazy today that we can't take the time to send 2 separate emails to 2 separate people! It's rude and most of all is disrespectful! 

I gotta go make a voodoo doll... I can't even handle it anymore!

Under the Kitchen Sink

Yes I wanted a very special cake for this Tuesday... 

Oh I'm so sorry but I usually require at least 2 weeks notice and am currently booked until August.

 Oh really??! Awe man... It's just small, I guess I'll have to think of something else... I mean you don't have anything lying around?? I just need a basketball cake

...

...

...

Oh shit! I just found one under my sink... Exactly where I left it... Just lying around... It happens to be a basketball cake in the exact size and flavor you would like. I'm glad you happen to ask me if I had some lying around cause I don't know what I would have done with this small basketball cake?

Idiot Proof

I feel like my website is pretty idiot proof but it turns out idiots need cake too!

It's a simple, standard contact form at the Contact tab of my website.

Subject-

Date of Event-

Servings Needed-

Message-

Seems simple enough right?!

Well...

Subject- can you connect me (555-DUMB) I think she meant "contact" me but that's just my brain, actually working and trying to interpret her message.

Date of event- June 20 2015 (good girl, you got that one right!)

Servings needed- cake (that's my favorite one)

Message-

No, don't think for a second I forgot to put something on that last one cause that's what she put... Jack shit!

Seriously?!?!?! Deep breath! And by the way, since writing this post, she has now Facebook messaged me and called my phone... Seems like she's not have a problem connecting now.

My BAD!

Hey Miss BB, this is the sweetest southern voice you have ever heard ma'am. I just wanted to call and say that my daughter is graduating in May and I just don't think she really wants one of your cakes, just maybe some cupcakes and some decorative cookies. Can we come and meet with you to talk about it?

Ohhhh man, I'm so sorry sweet southern voice, but I'm crazy booked up with weddings every weekend.

(Sweet southern voice magically disappears) "Oh ok thanks then"

Well, said in my sweet southern voice, feel free to contact my friend. She does awesome work and I bet she's available. Here's all her info so you can give her a call.

"Oh ok, does she make cupcakes and cookies and all that kind of stuff?"

No you idiot, she makes balloon animals!! My BAD! Mother Ducker!!

I'm That Big

I hadn't realized that I had gotten so big that I needed a personal assistant.

My phone rang yesterday with what seems to be a very confused girl even though she contacted me. I think one of the most frustrating ways to start a conversation is...

"hi this is the Bitchy Baker"

"yes can I talk to the Bitchy Baker"

(Mother ducker!!!!!! What did I just say!) "hold on one minute while I go get her hello this is the Bitchy Baker"

"Ummm ummm, yea, what kind of business do you have?"

(😳 what the duck?!?!) "I make cakes" *said in the most annoyed, sarcastic voice ever!*

"Ummm Umm Hol' On" 

--the duck she just told me to hold on!! Oh hellllllll no!!! You do not call me and ask me to hold on... Unless you want me to scrape your face off with my palette knife!!!

"HELLLLOOOO!!"

"Oh ummmm, ummm do you have like a store?"

-- by this point it's all I can do not to hang up the phone and punch a hole in my precious pink walls!"

"Yes" I say with a demonic voice

"Ok, ummm I was calling to see if you wanted a personal assistant"

"NO THANKS!"

Hahahahahahaha seriously!! Even if I was in a cake coma and had buttercream coming out of my eyeballs I would never hire you!! You call me you don't listen when I answer the phone, you tell me to hold on, you don't even know what kind of business I have, and you don't even know if I have a shop that I work out of! Why would you want to work for me!!! You know nothing about me, this is completely ridiculous!! I hate you goodbye!

All Hail The Queen

So, I dubbed myself "The Bitchy Baker" but it turns out that my title has been snatch and upgraded by a motha duckin Queen Bitchy Baker! Y'all won't believe this, but a girl in my area who has been doing cakes a few years longer than I have... who apparently stalks not only mine but all other caker's Facebook pages with anger, hatred, and jealousy in her eyes and has even called the Deparment of Agriculture and/or Health Department on anyone who is not licensed has decided to go onto the sweetest Bitchy Bakers FB page and leave her a 1 star review!! Now take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and slide on your "gonna beat a bitch boots" and head my way to knock this girl out! I mean really?! I don't even know this woman and she has never had any of my amazing shit yet she feels the need to go on my page and give me 1 star! That's one bold ass... and sooo green with envy mother ducker! All Hail the Queen...

Budget You Say?!

Am I the only one who determines whether they love or hate a bride just by their email? I don't know if it was because I was raised by parents who loved me or if it's just because I have a soul and conscience but I find it incredibly rude if the opening line of your email is, "How much your cakes are because I'm on a budget and I gotta see if you cost too much." I mean, do you really think that I'm going to be like, "Hell Yeah I'm sooo pumped to make your cake, so lets talk numbers!" because I damn sure hate to break it to you, but I just don't think you are the right bride for me! I don't expect people to smother me with compliments or to worship me like the cake queen that I am, but a little class, common sense, and manners go a whole lot further.

Shit Comes In 3's

My hiatus has been more about the lack of ducking idiots then it has been about apathy for BB. But all good things must come to an end, and all bad things come in 3's and ... More other ducking stereotypical sayings...

1. Call me the dumb, trusting Bitchy Baker but I got stood up on $150 cake where the excuse purely was my car got messed up and I had to use the money for the cake on my car. Fine, shit happens, but who the duck orders a cake when apparently you only have $150 to your entire name!! That's it apparently! You have not one single penny to your name but the $150 you have to pay to fix your car. 

2. Apparently, someone is to assume that when you originally want to order a 6" cake at $50 and then decide to order a two tier cake at $150 that somehow that two tier cake should be $50 as well. So, when you deliver said cake and request $150 from the husband at his place of business he proceeds to be obviously annoyed and yells at you saying "What happened to $50!!" Well, being that it's an emotional week because you just got stood up for cake, you immediately get emotional causing the secretary to come from behind her desk to give you a hug because she feels so bad for you just getting yelled at for no reason or fault of your own!!

3. You know I always save the best for last for you all... A woman writes you private messages on Facebook wanting to order a cake from you. After several ridiculous questions and one very nice complement, which makes you overlook previous dumb questions, she proceeds to ask "Do you take EBT? I only ask because I know Walmart and Kroger do."

Duck this mother duckin week!! That is all!

Sorry Bout It!

I have never studdered so much on the phone than during this recent conversation with a bride.

Bride: Hey... Ummmm... I was wanting to meet with you to discuss my wedding cake.

Me: Ok what's the date of your wedding?

Bride: It's in June, I was wanting just an 8" custom cake, I don't want a whole wedding cake and I wanted to meet with you to try some cake and discuss my design.

Me: Wh... Uh... Wha... Hmmm... You want just an 8" cake? 

Bride: Yeah, ain't everyone gonna eat cake and I want one just for my table. 

Me: Wellll.... Uh...

Bride: I'm mean I'm going to have cake for the guests too.

Me: Oh ok, so you will be ordering more cake from me?

Bride: No, I'm just gonna get sheet cakes from Publix for the guests but I wanted a custom cake for the head table.

At this point it was just a mixture of me laughing and saying no, I'm sorry.

 I mean really! I wouldn't have had a problem making her cake but to schedule a consult where I would have to take an hour out of my day to meet with you for a $90 cake where I have to provide samples of cakes for this single 8" cake and you are going to tell me a design that's obviously too difficult to discuss over email for you to then order cakes from Publix! Duck no!!

Sorry Bout It!!

R.I.P

I recently did a consultation for a young couple who decided to bring her parents along. Well, her dad sat right next to me but yet never looked in my direction when he would talk like I didn't exist. So, this is starting off really great! The bride had this *awesome* idea of doing very bright colors for each tier. Hey, I'm all about different until she told me the colors...

Hot Pink

Red

Purple

Yellow 

Orange

Say Whaaaaat!! Do you ever get to point the consultation where you just want to scream STOP, you don't want to do this! Are you sure you want me to create this mass of ugliness and charge you for it! Not only have I been raised that pink and red do NOT go together, but in what planet do all 5 of those colors come together beautifully without it being at an eyesore. We aren't talking a Moroccan wedding cake, just a good ole' southern throw down with pastel mints, punch, and a dish of peanuts... (Southerners get me here). Can I get an Amen Y'all!

Anyways, she then tells me she wants white scroll work on top of it. Oh shit it just got worse... I just can't go any further with this because I feel sorry for her cake. Holding tears back as I write... 

Anyways, I tell them the price and that went over *really well*! I would assume her dad was laughing at me but since he wouldn't acknowledge my existence I'm gonna go with his daughter taste is colors!

THEN, my favorite part... The groom chimes in "shoot, we should just go to the grocery store, buy a couple them cakes and stack'em on top of each other!"

My forehead exploded all over his face and my eyeballs burned into his soul with hate and death! You can find his obituary in the local paper. I'll make sure and send the family a couple of stacked grocery store cakes to the funeral. May he and that poor wedding cake R.I.P.

Dentures Required

I'm actually going to give you the very shortened version of this interesting phone conversation...

I was referred this customer for a very last minute order. I don't normally accept such late orders but for some reason I was feeling nice. It was actually a bit of a painful conversation as far as trying to explain what my process is when I create a cake as they were only used to ordering from a grocery store. The flavor chosen was Keylime. I don't know about everyone else who reads this blog, but in the south the Keylime cake is white cake with lime Jell-O added, cream cheese icing, and pecans. This is the traditional southern way. Well, when you contact me, I use real fresh Keylime juice to make my cake as well as lime zest. So, no Jell-O box mix in this cake. I also usually pair it with strawberry Swiss meringue buttercream. I was explaining this to him when he said oh no I'm used to the southern way, but your's sounds great. Can you still add pecans to the cake? I said sure, no problem. So, then he tells me could you please cut the pecans in big pieces because the birthday girl, whose turning 60 by the way, didn't bring her dentures with her so she needs to be able to pick out the pecans.

That just struck me so funny that the sweet lady is about to have a landmark birthday surrounded by friends and family and she forgot her danged ole' teeth haha! Hope that makes you laugh today! 

Left My Swatches At Home

Man I hate brides sometimes! I mean really! I just received an email from a girl after writing her that I couldn't give her a price without knowing her cake design and servings needed. She wrote back saying that she's gettin married in September, ain't everybody gonna eat cake, I want the cake to be a surprise and my colors are Ocean Spritz, Pistachio Cream, and Wings of a Dragonfly... Ok so I made those up but you know exactly what I mean! I mean really, what happened to blue, green, and purple... Simple as that!! Sorry, I don't have my David's Bridal Swatch book/ Lingo Translator on me!!

Son of a Bitch!! I'm not even gonna touch on what she means by her cake being a surprise... I have no energy left after making up those new colors that David's Bridal is going to steal from me because let's face it... They were awesome ;-)

I Hate You... That's All I Got

I'm laying here with skin under my nails from grabbing and clawing my face in frustration!! People are naturally stupid! It makes me so angry that people are so ducking lazy now days. 

This girl is writing on FB asking me if #1 I can make a cake in Nov. Um yes, I've been in business for 3 years now because I have every day of every month available!! 

#2 Can you make a Team's Football cake? Um yes bitch I have done at least 3 cakes that are on my ducking page you just ducking wrote me on (imagine me yelling that because I totally did!!) 

#3 She askes me if my name Teresa!!! All of my ducking information is written on the ducking page you are writing me from (yelling and peeling my face off in hatred and annoyance!!) Needless to say my name is not Teresa.

**deep breath**

You Got Skills But...

So, I'm gonna need you put on your pissed off pants for me before you start reading this! It's so ridiculous that we all just have to start off mad together.

I just received a picture of this message from a fellow BB that was taken through her FB messenger...

Customer: My daughter is turning 17 on Sept 14th and I wanted to order a Samsung Galaxy themed cake, are you available? 

Fellow BB: How many servings?

Customer: 10-15

Fellow BB: Depending on the final level of detail you are looking at at least $75

Customer: Ok. Also, if possible, can you tell me if the cake mix is homemade? Not to take anything away from your skills, you truly have beautiful work. However, I would like for the cake mix to be Duncan Hines (yellow). I can actually purchase how many boxes would be needed if possible.

Fellow BB: I only bake from scratch.

Customer: Ok, I'll let you know.

________________________________

BB's Final Thoughts:

Are you ducking kidding me! I personally know this baker and have eaten her cake on several occasions and its "slap yo momma" delicious!! Like sitting on your couch in your granny panties curled up in a blanket watching Steel Magnolia's good! Ok!! So now that I've cleared that up...

If you contact a CUSTOM Caker who has been in business for years and tell her to trade her real butter and delicious, fine ingredients for preservatives and powdery whatever it is... Who can ever open those bags by hand either. I'd like to meet you, those things are impossible to open... Anyways, all that aside to move to the next point... So, if she somehow agreed to make your mix, why would the customer need to purchase the boxes. It's like a dollar a box, does she think that there's an up charge of $5 for a $1 box of cake. My mind is blown in so many ways that I just have no words anymore!!

Oh...ok...oh...

Hcthbvddysgvjxgshfkcjxhsvhzh nxhzgfchzgsAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

My need to release above!!

Anyways, I've actually had a pretty idiot free time lately until my phone rang 2 days ago.

Earlier in the year I made a 6" round cake with a rice cereal sculpted Minnie Mouse that sat/hung off the cake. Very time consuming to say the least. One of those that right in the middle of the 3rd hour of working on it you get mad and say you should have charged more!

Fast forward to 2 days ago... This idiot called me and said "uh, ummm, how much for dat Minnie Mouse topper I want to buy just dat Minnie Mouse."

Me with Hatred and a murderous tone, "I'm sorry, but I won't sell just the Minnie Mouse you would have to order the whole cake."

Her: "oh...umm...ok... How much dat whole cake is?"

Me: "$90+ tax."

Her: "oh.... Ummmm... Ok..... Long silence... *click*

___________________________

Son of a Bitch!!! What a ducking idiot!! Yes, I'll sell you the Minnie Mouse topper for you to place on your $20 sheet cake because my time has no value. Why, WHY would she think that I would even do that! DUCK!!! I seriously hate her! $500 is what I charge for the topper... Cash or credit?

I'm A Little Teapot...

This just happened to my mom last night, yes Mother Bitchy Baker... Uh oh!

My phone rang at 11:15 last night and woke me up. Some psycho left me a message that her cake lady reneged on her and wanted me to make her a teapot cake for Saturday!  This bitchy baker will not be calling her back for several reasons!!

__________________________________

Daughter BB's Final Thoughts:

Don't be calling somebody at all times of the night because you think your sudden lack of a cake is an emergency to all caker's of the world. Like there's some giant red button that we push and we all hop out of the bed, throw on our magical aprons, and meet around a giant round table to discuss your world ending! You just get a big ole' Duck You, you should've called the right baker from the get! 

Bazinga!!

BooBoo Lovely Lumps

I'm not lying when I say that I copied and pasted this exact message, I changed nothing. Be warned...

wanted to know how much will u charge for a bubble guppies tier cake

_______________

I seriously don't know where to start on this one. Hmmm... I think... The fact that she's missing the subject of the sentence will be a good starter. Who the hell wanted to know how much "u" will charge? It can't be you because I don't even know your real name. You think you're so cute and creative because you have some ridiculous name like BooBoo Lovely Lumps. Which brings me my second point of why the letter "u" charges to make cakes? Was is that physically painful to take the extra time to add a subject, full pronouns, punctuation, or to even make sense? What's a bubble guppies tier cake anyway. I mean a cake is a tier so yes, I can make a cake that's why you contacted me in the first place. If you mean can I make a 2 tiered Bubble Guppies cake the answer is... Yes dumb ass!! You just wrote me from my FB page where I have over 300 amazing cakes... But gosh, I just don't think I have it in me to make a Bubble Guppies cake, it's just too hard.

Go back to school, learn how to write... And use the name your momma gave you. Unless, that is your real name then I'll totally do your cake for free and shoot your mom for you. I'm sorry, she should have known better.

Fish It Out Now Bitch!

This is from a Bitchy Baker who happens to be a close friend! She has been doing cakes for awhile, but just recently decided to officially start her business. She shared her story with this bitchy baker so lets just say there was lots of bitchyness to go around...

Getting a order for a cake months in advance is always nice, it gives you plenty of time! Especially when your going on vacation. So, I let the customer know that her order is my first available date because I will be back from vacation 4 days prior. So, I'm back from vacation and start the details immediately because I don't have much time. Progress is going well. My daughter's birthday is the same day as the delivery so I decide instead of making her a custom cake like I normally would I would buy her an ice cream cake to focus all my attention on my order. I get an email from the customer stating that the party has been canceled but can she move the delivery time up 24 hours. CRAP! Well suuure cause I don't have a full time job, your cake, and my life to deal with! But yeah, no prob! Oh, and I go out of my way to ask her if she would like to cancel or change the order. I tell her  that it would be fine if she needed to because of the canceled party (I don't normally do that but felt considerate). She says no, she wants the order, just sooner. OK! I finish the cake and drive to meet her for delivery. I'm super excited because the cake turned out great! I speak with her and she says she's on her way. I get to the meeting place at the agreed time...No customer.  I text, I call... nothing. Just to be clear, I heard JACK SHIT! I wait 45 minutes before going home. I'm soooo upset and not sure what to do! But after 6 hours I text her a picture of the cake and tell her how upset I am. An hour later her husband calls! Apologizing up and down telling me a sob story and asking me to meet him the next day so he can get the cake. I agree, go to the same meeting place at the time he chose... 45mins later... nothing. 

Duck your had to have it early, sick joke excuse, no show, waste of my time bitches! Your cake is at the bottom of the ducking river!

So, please don't ask me why you have to pay up front from now on, call this bitch and ask her!

______________________

BB's Final Thoughts:

KaBOOM!! Haha!

I'm So Honored!

Seriously! Just got this email from this bride who I've been talking back and forth with about doing her wedding cakes. We have discussed sizing, pricing and design for both cakes. Well, a month goes by and this was her email to me yesterday... By the way her wedding isn't until summer next year.

BB,

 

I am still interested in considering you to do our wedding cakes.  Do you host complimentary cake tastings? If so, I like to schedule a consult.

 

thanks,

_________________________

Oh really! Well, I declare Miss Bride how honored I am to be considered to make your cakes. Why, let me just mosey on down and fix you up some of my finest samples and there will be no considering after that. Is there anything else I can do for you to make me the top runner... How about I just make your sweet little cakes for free, would that settle it for you? It would!! Well bless my soul! I'm just so honored and excited to be the one to make your cakes! Bless you child for making my life complete!!

That's Just Gross

So, I just have to post one of my weird quirks again about caking. Hopefully someone out there agrees. 

Pregnant Belly Cakes Ahhhhh!!! I just think this is one of the most terrible cake ideas ever. Why, why, why?!

Top 3 Reasons why they freak me out...

3. Who wants a headless, legless, armless body in a cute summer dress laying on their beautifully decorated table. I mean how is a body supposed to survive without a head?

2. That freaky foot that's actually the size of a 1 year old's poking out of the stomach like its about to rip through and kick you in the face!

1. The biggest reason... You are SLICING into a stomach and eating it! Nobody else realizes this?!?! You are ripping open the sweet summer dress, slicing the giant adult baby foot, and cutting into the uterus!! 

Anyone else freaked out by this! I have not done one of these and pray I never have to! 

Moment of silence for all the pregnant torsos' that have been consumed...