You Got Skills But...

So, I'm gonna need you put on your pissed off pants for me before you start reading this! It's so ridiculous that we all just have to start off mad together.

I just received a picture of this message from a fellow BB that was taken through her FB messenger...

Customer: My daughter is turning 17 on Sept 14th and I wanted to order a Samsung Galaxy themed cake, are you available? 

Fellow BB: How many servings?

Customer: 10-15

Fellow BB: Depending on the final level of detail you are looking at at least $75

Customer: Ok. Also, if possible, can you tell me if the cake mix is homemade? Not to take anything away from your skills, you truly have beautiful work. However, I would like for the cake mix to be Duncan Hines (yellow). I can actually purchase how many boxes would be needed if possible.

Fellow BB: I only bake from scratch.

Customer: Ok, I'll let you know.

________________________________

BB's Final Thoughts:

Are you ducking kidding me! I personally know this baker and have eaten her cake on several occasions and its "slap yo momma" delicious!! Like sitting on your couch in your granny panties curled up in a blanket watching Steel Magnolia's good! Ok!! So now that I've cleared that up...

If you contact a CUSTOM Caker who has been in business for years and tell her to trade her real butter and delicious, fine ingredients for preservatives and powdery whatever it is... Who can ever open those bags by hand either. I'd like to meet you, those things are impossible to open... Anyways, all that aside to move to the next point... So, if she somehow agreed to make your mix, why would the customer need to purchase the boxes. It's like a dollar a box, does she think that there's an up charge of $5 for a $1 box of cake. My mind is blown in so many ways that I just have no words anymore!!

Oh...ok...oh...

Hcthbvddysgvjxgshfkcjxhsvhzh nxhzgfchzgsAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

My need to release above!!

Anyways, I've actually had a pretty idiot free time lately until my phone rang 2 days ago.

Earlier in the year I made a 6" round cake with a rice cereal sculpted Minnie Mouse that sat/hung off the cake. Very time consuming to say the least. One of those that right in the middle of the 3rd hour of working on it you get mad and say you should have charged more!

Fast forward to 2 days ago... This idiot called me and said "uh, ummm, how much for dat Minnie Mouse topper I want to buy just dat Minnie Mouse."

Me with Hatred and a murderous tone, "I'm sorry, but I won't sell just the Minnie Mouse you would have to order the whole cake."

Her: "oh...umm...ok... How much dat whole cake is?"

Me: "$90+ tax."

Her: "oh.... Ummmm... Ok..... Long silence... *click*

___________________________

Son of a Bitch!!! What a ducking idiot!! Yes, I'll sell you the Minnie Mouse topper for you to place on your $20 sheet cake because my time has no value. Why, WHY would she think that I would even do that! DUCK!!! I seriously hate her! $500 is what I charge for the topper... Cash or credit?

I'm A Little Teapot...

This just happened to my mom last night, yes Mother Bitchy Baker... Uh oh!

My phone rang at 11:15 last night and woke me up. Some psycho left me a message that her cake lady reneged on her and wanted me to make her a teapot cake for Saturday!  This bitchy baker will not be calling her back for several reasons!!

__________________________________

Daughter BB's Final Thoughts:

Don't be calling somebody at all times of the night because you think your sudden lack of a cake is an emergency to all caker's of the world. Like there's some giant red button that we push and we all hop out of the bed, throw on our magical aprons, and meet around a giant round table to discuss your world ending! You just get a big ole' Duck You, you should've called the right baker from the get! 

Bazinga!!

BooBoo Lovely Lumps

I'm not lying when I say that I copied and pasted this exact message, I changed nothing. Be warned...

wanted to know how much will u charge for a bubble guppies tier cake

_______________

I seriously don't know where to start on this one. Hmmm... I think... The fact that she's missing the subject of the sentence will be a good starter. Who the hell wanted to know how much "u" will charge? It can't be you because I don't even know your real name. You think you're so cute and creative because you have some ridiculous name like BooBoo Lovely Lumps. Which brings me my second point of why the letter "u" charges to make cakes? Was is that physically painful to take the extra time to add a subject, full pronouns, punctuation, or to even make sense? What's a bubble guppies tier cake anyway. I mean a cake is a tier so yes, I can make a cake that's why you contacted me in the first place. If you mean can I make a 2 tiered Bubble Guppies cake the answer is... Yes dumb ass!! You just wrote me from my FB page where I have over 300 amazing cakes... But gosh, I just don't think I have it in me to make a Bubble Guppies cake, it's just too hard.

Go back to school, learn how to write... And use the name your momma gave you. Unless, that is your real name then I'll totally do your cake for free and shoot your mom for you. I'm sorry, she should have known better.

Fish It Out Now Bitch!

This is from a Bitchy Baker who happens to be a close friend! She has been doing cakes for awhile, but just recently decided to officially start her business. She shared her story with this bitchy baker so lets just say there was lots of bitchyness to go around...

Getting a order for a cake months in advance is always nice, it gives you plenty of time! Especially when your going on vacation. So, I let the customer know that her order is my first available date because I will be back from vacation 4 days prior. So, I'm back from vacation and start the details immediately because I don't have much time. Progress is going well. My daughter's birthday is the same day as the delivery so I decide instead of making her a custom cake like I normally would I would buy her an ice cream cake to focus all my attention on my order. I get an email from the customer stating that the party has been canceled but can she move the delivery time up 24 hours. CRAP! Well suuure cause I don't have a full time job, your cake, and my life to deal with! But yeah, no prob! Oh, and I go out of my way to ask her if she would like to cancel or change the order. I tell her  that it would be fine if she needed to because of the canceled party (I don't normally do that but felt considerate). She says no, she wants the order, just sooner. OK! I finish the cake and drive to meet her for delivery. I'm super excited because the cake turned out great! I speak with her and she says she's on her way. I get to the meeting place at the agreed time...No customer.  I text, I call... nothing. Just to be clear, I heard JACK SHIT! I wait 45 minutes before going home. I'm soooo upset and not sure what to do! But after 6 hours I text her a picture of the cake and tell her how upset I am. An hour later her husband calls! Apologizing up and down telling me a sob story and asking me to meet him the next day so he can get the cake. I agree, go to the same meeting place at the time he chose... 45mins later... nothing. 

Duck your had to have it early, sick joke excuse, no show, waste of my time bitches! Your cake is at the bottom of the ducking river!

So, please don't ask me why you have to pay up front from now on, call this bitch and ask her!

______________________

BB's Final Thoughts:

KaBOOM!! Haha!

I'm So Honored!

Seriously! Just got this email from this bride who I've been talking back and forth with about doing her wedding cakes. We have discussed sizing, pricing and design for both cakes. Well, a month goes by and this was her email to me yesterday... By the way her wedding isn't until summer next year.

BB,

 

I am still interested in considering you to do our wedding cakes.  Do you host complimentary cake tastings? If so, I like to schedule a consult.

 

thanks,

_________________________

Oh really! Well, I declare Miss Bride how honored I am to be considered to make your cakes. Why, let me just mosey on down and fix you up some of my finest samples and there will be no considering after that. Is there anything else I can do for you to make me the top runner... How about I just make your sweet little cakes for free, would that settle it for you? It would!! Well bless my soul! I'm just so honored and excited to be the one to make your cakes! Bless you child for making my life complete!!

That's Just Gross

So, I just have to post one of my weird quirks again about caking. Hopefully someone out there agrees. 

Pregnant Belly Cakes Ahhhhh!!! I just think this is one of the most terrible cake ideas ever. Why, why, why?!

Top 3 Reasons why they freak me out...

3. Who wants a headless, legless, armless body in a cute summer dress laying on their beautifully decorated table. I mean how is a body supposed to survive without a head?

2. That freaky foot that's actually the size of a 1 year old's poking out of the stomach like its about to rip through and kick you in the face!

1. The biggest reason... You are SLICING into a stomach and eating it! Nobody else realizes this?!?! You are ripping open the sweet summer dress, slicing the giant adult baby foot, and cutting into the uterus!! 

Anyone else freaked out by this! I have not done one of these and pray I never have to! 

Moment of silence for all the pregnant torsos' that have been consumed...