BooBoo Lovely Lumps

I'm not lying when I say that I copied and pasted this exact message, I changed nothing. Be warned...

wanted to know how much will u charge for a bubble guppies tier cake

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I seriously don't know where to start on this one. Hmmm... I think... The fact that she's missing the subject of the sentence will be a good starter. Who the hell wanted to know how much "u" will charge? It can't be you because I don't even know your real name. You think you're so cute and creative because you have some ridiculous name like BooBoo Lovely Lumps. Which brings me my second point of why the letter "u" charges to make cakes? Was is that physically painful to take the extra time to add a subject, full pronouns, punctuation, or to even make sense? What's a bubble guppies tier cake anyway. I mean a cake is a tier so yes, I can make a cake that's why you contacted me in the first place. If you mean can I make a 2 tiered Bubble Guppies cake the answer is... Yes dumb ass!! You just wrote me from my FB page where I have over 300 amazing cakes... But gosh, I just don't think I have it in me to make a Bubble Guppies cake, it's just too hard.

Go back to school, learn how to write... And use the name your momma gave you. Unless, that is your real name then I'll totally do your cake for free and shoot your mom for you. I'm sorry, she should have known better.

Fish It Out Now Bitch!

This is from a Bitchy Baker who happens to be a close friend! She has been doing cakes for awhile, but just recently decided to officially start her business. She shared her story with this bitchy baker so lets just say there was lots of bitchyness to go around...

Getting a order for a cake months in advance is always nice, it gives you plenty of time! Especially when your going on vacation. So, I let the customer know that her order is my first available date because I will be back from vacation 4 days prior. So, I'm back from vacation and start the details immediately because I don't have much time. Progress is going well. My daughter's birthday is the same day as the delivery so I decide instead of making her a custom cake like I normally would I would buy her an ice cream cake to focus all my attention on my order. I get an email from the customer stating that the party has been canceled but can she move the delivery time up 24 hours. CRAP! Well suuure cause I don't have a full time job, your cake, and my life to deal with! But yeah, no prob! Oh, and I go out of my way to ask her if she would like to cancel or change the order. I tell her  that it would be fine if she needed to because of the canceled party (I don't normally do that but felt considerate). She says no, she wants the order, just sooner. OK! I finish the cake and drive to meet her for delivery. I'm super excited because the cake turned out great! I speak with her and she says she's on her way. I get to the meeting place at the agreed time...No customer.  I text, I call... nothing. Just to be clear, I heard JACK SHIT! I wait 45 minutes before going home. I'm soooo upset and not sure what to do! But after 6 hours I text her a picture of the cake and tell her how upset I am. An hour later her husband calls! Apologizing up and down telling me a sob story and asking me to meet him the next day so he can get the cake. I agree, go to the same meeting place at the time he chose... 45mins later... nothing. 

Duck your had to have it early, sick joke excuse, no show, waste of my time bitches! Your cake is at the bottom of the ducking river!

So, please don't ask me why you have to pay up front from now on, call this bitch and ask her!

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BB's Final Thoughts:

KaBOOM!! Haha!

I'm So Honored!

Seriously! Just got this email from this bride who I've been talking back and forth with about doing her wedding cakes. We have discussed sizing, pricing and design for both cakes. Well, a month goes by and this was her email to me yesterday... By the way her wedding isn't until summer next year.

BB,

 

I am still interested in considering you to do our wedding cakes.  Do you host complimentary cake tastings? If so, I like to schedule a consult.

 

thanks,

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Oh really! Well, I declare Miss Bride how honored I am to be considered to make your cakes. Why, let me just mosey on down and fix you up some of my finest samples and there will be no considering after that. Is there anything else I can do for you to make me the top runner... How about I just make your sweet little cakes for free, would that settle it for you? It would!! Well bless my soul! I'm just so honored and excited to be the one to make your cakes! Bless you child for making my life complete!!

That's Just Gross

So, I just have to post one of my weird quirks again about caking. Hopefully someone out there agrees. 

Pregnant Belly Cakes Ahhhhh!!! I just think this is one of the most terrible cake ideas ever. Why, why, why?!

Top 3 Reasons why they freak me out...

3. Who wants a headless, legless, armless body in a cute summer dress laying on their beautifully decorated table. I mean how is a body supposed to survive without a head?

2. That freaky foot that's actually the size of a 1 year old's poking out of the stomach like its about to rip through and kick you in the face!

1. The biggest reason... You are SLICING into a stomach and eating it! Nobody else realizes this?!?! You are ripping open the sweet summer dress, slicing the giant adult baby foot, and cutting into the uterus!! 

Anyone else freaked out by this! I have not done one of these and pray I never have to! 

Moment of silence for all the pregnant torsos' that have been consumed...

Mine's Better

I once had a potential bride order a red velvet cake from me for her birthday. Just an iced red velvet cake, no decorations. I don't normally do that but she wanted to taste my red velvet and didn't want to pay for a full decorated cake. I agreed knowing for sure she would book me after the first bite because my red velvet is eye rolling good! After I met with her to give her the cake she told me she would call me once she tasted it.

A few hours later my phone rings...

With a big smile on my face, "HI!"

Her: "Hey, um the cake was ok... But I like mine better."

Me: "Oh, ok... Well..."

Her interrupting my shock, "I mean it tastes good, but I can't taste the cocoa powder."

Me: "Well, you really shouldn't be able to taste the cocoa powder because there's only a teaspoon in it."

Her: "I can taste the cocoa powder in mine when I make it."

Me: "You must have some super tastes buds because there's only a tiny amount for the whole recipe!"

Her: "Thats what makes a red velvet cake a red velvet cake... The cocoa powder!"

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My Final Thoughts:

I hate you... Yes, you and your super human taste buds! You are a ducking idiot! What makes a red velvet cake... Ducking RED food coloring bitch!! That's the ingredient you're thinking of!

Good luck making you're own wedding cake since your red velvet cake is so ducking delicious and obviously each ingredient stands out in every bite. Yum, that bite tastes like flour and ohhh this one was especially delicious am I tasting the salt, raw eggs, and baking soda with a finishing note of... Hmmmm ohh yes, the velvety part of this cake - vinegar. Idiot!

That The Best You Can Do?

Well, wedding season is upon us so my posts have been less frequent, my apologies. BUT, that doesn't mean the idiocy has stopped or the bitchyness has been cured!!

I received a call from a woman asking me to make a simple bridal shower cake for the middle of the week with only 6 days notice. Because it was a slow week, I reluctantly agreed with the words simple, easy cake giving me a little ease. I wait patiently for the email of the oh so simple cake and then when my phone chirped... Oh yes, I usually consider a 4 tier draped wedding cake with piping, pearls and sashes a ducking breeze! What the hell!

Ok... So I write back with... "uh that's a 4 tier wedding cake serving about 130 people and about $800. How many do you need to serve?"

"About 100."

-Seriously y'all, I was like what kind of "Bridal Shower" is this?!

So after more back and forth I still agree to the cake but in a 3 tier version. So I tell her the new price.

Well, then her mom calls me and says..."I heard you're doing a cake for us. I also heard the price and was wondering if you could do better than that?"

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Do I really need to continue this portion of my blogging or do y'all know me enough by now.... Mother ducker!! Are you kidding me! I'm sorry, could you do better than only 6 days notice!!

You know what, I'll let ya'll be creative on this one, what would y'all say if this happened to you?

24 Hour Cakery... Bitch Please!!

Ohhhhhhhh!!!!

*Deep Breath* ... Inhale... Exhale....

It is 10:26pm and this BB is pissed!! I just received this super informative email:

comments= Please give me a call. I
need a wedding.

groom's cake for April
21, 2013. Thanks'!

I just copy and pasted this exactly like it was sent to me, spacing and all! I think she's trying to communicate to me but I'm just not sure.

Ok, I'll let you slide with a deep breath and an eye roll. BUT THEN, bitch gonna send me a duckin text message at 10:20 at night!!! Oh mother ducking hell no!! Bitch I ain't no 24 hour cake business! You just spent all that time, well not a lot of intelligent time, sending me an email and text pleading for me to call your sorry self because for some reason this life changing day of wedded bliss has snuck up on you! Your time is better spent not totally pissing me off with your inconsideration for my personal life and my family outside of my caking. Why it hit you at 10:20 at night and you thought, "shit I gotta handle this right this second" rather than waiting until the ducking next day to pick up your phone and call me! Also, why are you contacting me in every way other than the way you are asking me to contact you!

Ohhhhhh!!!

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The love of a husband is deep I tell you! He has truly seen me at my worst at times dealing with these people. Arms flailing, spilt flying, cussing like a maniac. He just smiles and we say, "The Bitchy Baker is gonna post tonight!" Amen!