Mine's Better

I once had a potential bride order a red velvet cake from me for her birthday. Just an iced red velvet cake, no decorations. I don't normally do that but she wanted to taste my red velvet and didn't want to pay for a full decorated cake. I agreed knowing for sure she would book me after the first bite because my red velvet is eye rolling good! After I met with her to give her the cake she told me she would call me once she tasted it.

A few hours later my phone rings...

With a big smile on my face, "HI!"

Her: "Hey, um the cake was ok... But I like mine better."

Me: "Oh, ok... Well..."

Her interrupting my shock, "I mean it tastes good, but I can't taste the cocoa powder."

Me: "Well, you really shouldn't be able to taste the cocoa powder because there's only a teaspoon in it."

Her: "I can taste the cocoa powder in mine when I make it."

Me: "You must have some super tastes buds because there's only a tiny amount for the whole recipe!"

Her: "Thats what makes a red velvet cake a red velvet cake... The cocoa powder!"

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My Final Thoughts:

I hate you... Yes, you and your super human taste buds! You are a ducking idiot! What makes a red velvet cake... Ducking RED food coloring bitch!! That's the ingredient you're thinking of!

Good luck making you're own wedding cake since your red velvet cake is so ducking delicious and obviously each ingredient stands out in every bite. Yum, that bite tastes like flour and ohhh this one was especially delicious am I tasting the salt, raw eggs, and baking soda with a finishing note of... Hmmmm ohh yes, the velvety part of this cake - vinegar. Idiot!

That The Best You Can Do?

Well, wedding season is upon us so my posts have been less frequent, my apologies. BUT, that doesn't mean the idiocy has stopped or the bitchyness has been cured!!

I received a call from a woman asking me to make a simple bridal shower cake for the middle of the week with only 6 days notice. Because it was a slow week, I reluctantly agreed with the words simple, easy cake giving me a little ease. I wait patiently for the email of the oh so simple cake and then when my phone chirped... Oh yes, I usually consider a 4 tier draped wedding cake with piping, pearls and sashes a ducking breeze! What the hell!

Ok... So I write back with... "uh that's a 4 tier wedding cake serving about 130 people and about $800. How many do you need to serve?"

"About 100."

-Seriously y'all, I was like what kind of "Bridal Shower" is this?!

So after more back and forth I still agree to the cake but in a 3 tier version. So I tell her the new price.

Well, then her mom calls me and says..."I heard you're doing a cake for us. I also heard the price and was wondering if you could do better than that?"

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Do I really need to continue this portion of my blogging or do y'all know me enough by now.... Mother ducker!! Are you kidding me! I'm sorry, could you do better than only 6 days notice!!

You know what, I'll let ya'll be creative on this one, what would y'all say if this happened to you?

24 Hour Cakery... Bitch Please!!

Ohhhhhhhh!!!!

*Deep Breath* ... Inhale... Exhale....

It is 10:26pm and this BB is pissed!! I just received this super informative email:

comments= Please give me a call. I
need a wedding.

groom's cake for April
21, 2013. Thanks'!

I just copy and pasted this exactly like it was sent to me, spacing and all! I think she's trying to communicate to me but I'm just not sure.

Ok, I'll let you slide with a deep breath and an eye roll. BUT THEN, bitch gonna send me a duckin text message at 10:20 at night!!! Oh mother ducking hell no!! Bitch I ain't no 24 hour cake business! You just spent all that time, well not a lot of intelligent time, sending me an email and text pleading for me to call your sorry self because for some reason this life changing day of wedded bliss has snuck up on you! Your time is better spent not totally pissing me off with your inconsideration for my personal life and my family outside of my caking. Why it hit you at 10:20 at night and you thought, "shit I gotta handle this right this second" rather than waiting until the ducking next day to pick up your phone and call me! Also, why are you contacting me in every way other than the way you are asking me to contact you!

Ohhhhhh!!!

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The love of a husband is deep I tell you! He has truly seen me at my worst at times dealing with these people. Arms flailing, spilt flying, cussing like a maniac. He just smiles and we say, "The Bitchy Baker is gonna post tonight!" Amen!

Why I Gotta Pay Before?

Soooooo, this is the first time this has happened to me and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last grrrrr...

I'm meeting for a consult on a wedding that is less than a month away. My contract states that the full amount of the wedding cake must be paid a month before the wedding. This bride had had some bad luck so that's why this is all being planned last minute. I offer her a few more days after our consult to gather the funds for the cake. During the consult, that by the way took way too long being as we had already discussed everything except flavors, her mother in law chimed in as she was reading the contract,

"Hold up, we gotta pay for dis cake BEFORE we see it!"

My extremely shocked and pissed reaction, "Uh yes, how am I to know that you'll even pay me once I've already made your $500 cake?"

Her: "Well how we gonna know we like the cake!!"

...........(long pause to regain composure and violent thoughts)...

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You mother duckin son of a bitch!! What do you mean! You've seen my cakes, you have now tasted my ducking delicious cake, and you gave me a picture of the exact cake you want... What the duck is not to like?! Bitch better back away slowly!

Do you go to the grocery store and say yeah, I really love steak and I've bought your brand before and it was delicious, but this particular steak I haven't eatin it yet so I'm gonna go home and cook it and if I like it, I'll come back and pay for it...

Uh hell no... Bitch betta give me my money now and I'll think about making her cake or not ... seeing as I haven't made that design yet and I may decide that I don't like your ugly cake and THEN I might give you your money back minus an aggravation fee and that's putting it nicely!

Not Interested!

I started this blog as a fun release for us bakers and so far everyone has been very encouraging and supportive! But there have been a few who have been rude and negative and that's not gonna fly with this Bitchy Baker! It's people like them who we end up writing about. Negative people who take the time to respond to my email just to be rude.

"I want no affiliation with your blog what so ever!"

"Don't contact me again!"

Really! Duck you! If you aren't interested, just delete my email and move on with your life! Seriously!! Honestly, its supposed to be fun! If you don't want to share your stories, totally fine. You can just read and laugh along or never visit at all. There's no point in being hurtful and discouraging! I realize we need all types to make the world go round but I think we can do without your kind!

Sorry fellow BB's I needed to get that off my chest!

I See $125

Oh this story had me so mad on behalf of my fellow Bitchy Baker. It's crazy to me that all of your shared stories get me just as angry as if it happened to me! We Bitchy Bakers have to stick together :-)

So, one of my BB's emailed me this conversation between her and this arrogant bitch...

She attached a picture of a very detailed carved animal cake that was perfectly done that she wanted this BB to replicate with only a weeks notice.

She tells her that she is available and that that particular cake would be $250+ tax, but that she would have to pay the deposit by the next day since she requires at least 7 days notice.

This was her reply... I don't think you are ready for this... go ahead and get your angry face on...I'm serious, do it...

$250? REALLY? I was thinking $125, where are you seeing $250?

Oh Shit, Bitch Betta Run!

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BB's Final thoughts as well as the rest of the cake baking world:

I'm glad she sees $125 I wonder what she'll see when I punch her in the mouth... "Oh, I saw a hi-5! Shit my tooth fell out!!" 
That's right bitch! Now you wanna pay my price!! Haha

I Am Groom, Hear Me Roar!

This is from a fellow Bitchy Baker:

My least favorite couple, as I recall, contacted me to set up a cake tasting. They wanted to taste several specialty cakes that I make from scratch and other cakes with out of season fruits in them.  Trying to be as accommodating as I could, I made several of the cake samples for them, but not all of their requests.

When the time for the tasting came about, the groom showed up early, to inform me that the bride would be along eventually, and the he and I should start talking about the wedding info now. He proceeded to grill me about my background, where I had gone to school, where I lived, and any number of unrelated items that were none of his business, and had nothing to do with his wedding.  I finally told him that I didn't usually go into my own background that much with anyone, and that I had a college degree as well as pastry chef credentials, so lets talk about the cake. 

After the bride finally arrived, they tasted the cake, he asked me dozens of questions about the cake samples, then went through my cake pictures and (he) selected a design with 8 or 9 individual cakes on free standing cake stands at different heights, with elaborate supports.  He was a recent business graduate from a little community college with no credibility, and was out to prove to his fiancé that he was tough. He asked me if I charged for delivery, and I said I did, so he said he would set the cake up himself (even though he never saw a wedding cake in person, and knew nothing about setting one up). He then complained about the contract, and scoffed when I told him the cake had to be paid for in full several weeks before the wedding. After the tasting, as I was about to leave, the bride took me aside and said,"He's just trying to be a good businessman." When I got back to my bakery, I emailed the bride that I would not be able to do their cake, and would mail them back the deposit check. 

Making and delivering wedding cakes is difficult enough without having to deal with people like that.  There isn't enough money in the world to induce me to make a cake for loonies like that.

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BB's Final Thoughts:

AMEN and smart choice!! It is so ridiculous that he felt he had to prove his manhood at a time like this. Your wedding is a time to be enjoyed not broken down like a serious business decision. If he really was a smart business man, than he should have appreciated that this BB had her shit together. Having a contract and asking for payment BEFORE the event are all great business on her part! Who the hell would make a $1,000+ order and not have payment before... you don't have to go to business school to know that shit asshole!