Breaking News

(Newscaster voice) This just in, a local baker is in jail for murder. She pleaded guilty to the charges. Apparently, some woman touched her cake to see if it was real.

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH Hell No!!! I'm really not sure if there is anything more infuriating than some dumb ass overgrown child-adult who some how missed their quota of touching things as a child, and is now making up for it as an adult and will now be paying for it... with their life! I cannot tell you how many shows I have attended to promote my business with faux cakes where some idiot was knocking on them, poking them, petting them, or rubbing them. I honestly cannot wrap my mind around the idiocy! Never mind the fact that you are putting your unwashed (had to edit myself)  hands all over my cake and spreading your germs, but think of how you could potential destroy my hours of hard work. Oh, you didn't think of that did you... that's because you are a selfish asshole!

My mom always tells me I have a Billboard Face. A face that can hide no emotion, especially hate! I might have lost a few orders because of it, but at least I spared their lives!


@#$%&@#$#$$%^^&&!@@#$$### Ahhhhhhh!!!!

No Punch Cards

Yes, I would like to order a cake for my daughter's birthday. My husband's birthday is next month, and I have three other daughter's whose birthdays are coming up as well. If I like your cake will you be offering me any discounts for all these orders I will place in the future?

Thanks,
Mrs. Entitlement

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Uh, how do I say this without upsetting you....

DUCK IT let me just tell you how it is here... this is my job, this is what I do for a living! So, if you decide to order cakes from me, it because you decide to order a cake from me!! This isn't an ice cream parlor where you get a punch out for every $5 or more you spend. If you are getting a discount it is because I decide I am giving you a discount for your loyalty. You get nothing for thinking you deserve one!

Too Much Info, Yet Not Enough

I am constantly screaming at my computer and phone when I get these emails...

Hey BB,

I am getting married, and I am not really sure what kind of cake I want. I know I want something simple and it needs to serve about 150 people. My fiancé and I met at a coffee shop. I really hate coffee but my friends made me go so I just had to drink hot chocolate. Call me a kid, but I love how they put the whipped cream on top of it with a chocolate drizzle I always add a couple of shakes of cinnamon to mine too... YUMMY! Anyways, he was the one who made my drink and he asked for my number! So, we went on a few dates and we just fell in love and now here we are planning our wedding! So I wanted to know if you were booked in October?

Thanks,
TooMuchInfo McGee

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Wow, I couldn't hate you anymore than I do right now! Which ducking day in October! You take the time to write me about your drink preferences but it doesn't occur to you to mention the exact day of your wedding?! I cannot think of anything MORE important than that number when planning a wedding. You know what, nevermind, I'm booked... every ducking day in October! How about you sip on them words and don't forget the cinnamon!!

Dear Bride,

Lovely bride, I understand that you are just so scatterbrained and can't keep anything straight, but this was ridiculous. You asked me to take your insanely narrow and tall cake to the venue 4 hours before the ceremony. No biggie, but you KNEW that you were getting married in the same room as the reception, and were going to do a tear down and setup right afterwards. And the high school kids hired to be waiters for the evening were going to put MY cake in an unrefrigerated store room until then? And carry 5 tiers of tall narrow cake out a couple hours later up and down stairs outside, weaving in and out of people? And when I acted a bit exasperated to your ditzy on site coordinator that I had to return to the studio with your cake to bring it later (sorry, ONLY option, as there was no way this cake would have been ok left in the hands of THAT venue and it's people), please pardon the hell out of me, as I planned to leave town for a MUCH needed mini vacation. But it's ok. I stayed behind to babysit your cake. Cause you're the only freaking person alive and it was your big day.

So, you're welcome for the most beautiful cake that you AND that crappy venue have ever laid eyes on, and you're welcome for me cancelling my weekend trip for you. I assume your thank you note was lost in the mail.

Signed,

The Bothered Baker

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BB's Final Thoughts:

BOOM!! I got nothing... Perfectly said!!

I'll Get Right On That

Wow, it seems like most of us have this problem of our idiot clients waiting until the last ducking minute to order their cakes!

This is from a baker in Arizona...

On Friday at 11am, I received a voicemail from a potential client asking me if I could make a 3D Shark cake by 5pm, with a specific flavor. Ummm, no! How in the heck am I supposed to bake, cool, fill, carve, complete & deliver a cake like that in 6 hours (oh, and still finish and deliver all my other cakes on time). I called her back and told her I would need to have an order like that much earlier. But, maybe we could work together in the future, with more notice.

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BB's Final Thoughts:

I'll get right on that for you... oh, and what time will you be coming by to help me whip this up since you obviously think there is nothing to this whole cake making thing? That's what I thought...

No Monopoly Money Accepted

This Baker emailed me this story telling me that this conversation started Wednesday and has now dragged into today. She usually requires at least a week's notice, but was trying to help this client out...

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After discussing his order, I gave him the total of the cake.  His deposit came to $104.33.  His credit card only approved $78, so I tell him...

Me:  Your card only accepted a partial amount.  Will you be using another card for the rest.

Him:  Let me call the bank.  I'm not sure why that is.  I'll check with them because they "do be puttin' limits on me."

Me:  **SIGH** (Don't MOST credit cards come with limits?!)

He calls back and says "I can't pull any more money off the card.  I'm going to call my friend to see if she can come in and put the deposit down for me."

Me:  Make sure you call me back TODAY.  After today, I can't help you.

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SO, here we go this morning...He calls back trying to order the cake.  Once again, I said I would help him...

Him:  I have my friend who's going to use her card

Me:  Well is she on the line?

Him:  No, I have to call her and I'll call you back

*Slams the phone down*  Why not have her on the line already?  Is it me or is that how things should be handled?!

They now call back.  I run her card and it's declined.  She proceeds to go on about how her cards are never declined and I need to run it again.  Second time, it declines.  So they hang up.  Needless to say, I won't be helping them if they find a card that works.  SMH!
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BB's Final thoughts:

Money, that's what we cake bakers need in order to make your cake! It's crazy I know! I mean gosh why can't we still trade chickens and goats for our services. It's not like we have real jobs, we just sit around and play with flour and sugar and wait until our phone rings 2 days before your party as you express how important it is to have a cake at the event... yet you decided to wait until the last second to order our masterpieces. That's a big ole Duck You!

Intelligent People Only

Am I the only one who can instantly hate someone just from the first couple of lines in their email?

It really annoys me when words are misspelled and sentences aren't complete. I mean do you not proof read your messages! If I was getting married, I wouldn't want my first impression to be like this girl who emailed me...

"Can you make my cake wit dat kinda icin like on them tv shows?"

No, you don't sound dumb at all.

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Or my favorite bride who called to change our consult time as I was pulling into the parking space for  2 hours from then, and then once she showed up had a chip on her shoulder because I was annoyed that she moved the time without earlier notice. Then she proceeded to ask me if I could make my cake taste like a "cake."

I'm sorry, what?

"You know, like cake?!"

I'm really sorry I have no idea what you mean.

"You know, like a cake cake... Like from Walmart"

Ohhhh I see, you have a refined palate and only appreciate preservatives, dyes, riboflavin, and cancer causing ingredients. I'm sorry, guess I lost another customer to the famous Walmart "cake cake."

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Or the woman who writes in all capital letters because she's too lazy to shift from upper to lower case letters.

YES I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER A CUSTOM CAKE FOR MY FRIEND, HER BDAY IS TOMORROW.

Why are you yelling at me bitch?! Go back to grade school and learn how to type!

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I think I should just hire someone to deal with customers and I'll just work in my cake cave undisturbed!