This Isn't the 1920's

My heart hurts for her...

Yesterday afternoon I get a call from a lady she tells me they are throwing a huge party for her grandsons 1^st birthday.  She will need 12 separate cakes for the event and they will all be 3-D cakes.  And she needs them for March the 9^th.  Ok, first off today is Feb. 25^th so you are not even giving me 2 weeks notice and of course I don’t have any other cakes booked for that week…. NOT! Anyway, I am thinking in my head if I get my daughters to come help we can pull this off and it will be some good money.  So I tell her to send me pictures of the cakes she has in mind and details of how many people she needs to serve and I would work up a quote.  So she then tells me that servings are not a factor she just wants it for the WOW factor and the main cake needs to be the largest the other cakes can be small just make them as large as you have to, to get them done. So, I get the pictures. The main cake is a 3 tiered circus themed cake with the bottom tier being a bag of spilt popcorn, the middle being 3 rolls of tickets off set, and finally the top being a circus tent.  The rest of the cakes, well lets just say were all 3-D sculpted cakes. There was a bobble head cake, a clown sitting up, a teddy bear sitting up holding a sign that said G Ma’s snuggle bear (how sweet huh!)  Let’s see then we have a sports themed one with a basketball, football and a baseball on the top.  A 3D # 1 standing up, a box of animal cookies with very ornate animals coming out of the box,  A very ornate crown with a fur looking trim around it.  A Jordan shoe and shoe box, some baby blocks with the baby’s name spelled out which is 9 letters by the way, so that is 9 separate blocks. When I see these first off I am thinking this is going to be some good money then I am thinking really! She wants all these cakes and she gives me a week as this week is booked with cakes and I can’t work on anything this week. Then, I realize this is not 12 cakes so I ask her and then I find out that she counted the 3 tier as 3 separate cakes… LOL  So last night  it took me over an hour to download and decipher all her notes as to all the changes on each cake because of course none of them are grand enough for what she wants… This morning, first thing, I start getting phone calls and text messages asking me if I received the pictures because she did not get a total yet.  I told her no, I was working on it and I had to go to the hardware store to price a few things for the support structures.  She tells me she wants to get a check out to me today for the deposit and I told her I would get back to her ASAP with a detailed quote.  She sends me yet another text and tells me to make sure and add a delivery charge.  I ask where it is going to be delivered she tells me and that’s an added 50.00 for the delivery.  Then, I get a message back from her that says... I don’t want to spend over $135.00. 

I really wanted to respond back to her… B**ch you owe me that much for the time I spent looking at your damn pictures and answering your damn text messages.  Now I should have asked up front what her budget was but in my defense someone who wants 10 very detailed and 3D cakes should just know she is going to spend more that 135 freaking dollars!!!!!!!!!!!! Average that out DUMB ASS that’s 13.50 a cake….  I hate people that waste my damn time!


Kranky as HELL Cake Lady

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BB's Final Thoughts:

Awe Hell! This has to be the most ridiculous story I have heard so far! $13.50 per cake! First off, what kind of deposit did she have in mind for $135 order, $11.50? Plus, was that $135 including the delivery fee? If so, then she was expecting to pay $8.50 for each cake. I honestly am speechless at this point! Except for a duck you and head on back to the 1920's and buy your cakes for a quarter because obviously you are not living in the world today!

Dislike?!

This is from a fellow Bitchy Baker who unfortunately had stay professional throughout this infuriating conversation over email. I can't even wait until the final thought portion of this post to express my feelings on this one...

Client: Do you have a payment plan for your cakes?!
(BB: So, based on your punctuation, this is a rhetorical question?!)

Fellow BB: 
Hello, 
At the time of order, 50% of your total cost needs to be paid.  The other 50% is due when you pick it up.  You can make payments however you want after the deposit is paid, as long as the balance is paid in full when you pick it up. For example, if your total is $300, you must pay $150 to order it.  The remaining $150 can be paid in increments whenever you want, as long as it's paid in full when you pick it up.

Client: How much do baby shower cakes run?! 
(Again, a rhetorical question?! Seriously! How much do baby shower cakes run! Well, lets see... duck you! Really?! <--- Proper usage by the way.

Fellow BB: It depends on your design.
(I like your tone here, I can totally feel it hehe)

Client: Can you help me figure out something different and unique.. I dislike being like other people.. 
(BB: Oh you dislike being like other people... Now you are being proper?! <-- BOOM! Oh and by the way, let her take the time to hold your hand through this process because she has nothing else to do AND who is to say that you are actually going to really even order from her, but by all means... we dislike to disappoint.

Fellow BB: You will need to call the shop to schedule an appointment for a design consultation.  When you come, you need to have an idea of what you're looking for.  You can bring photos or other visual aids.  Make sure you have a budget set and all the info we'll need to know to create the cake.

Client: Ok how soon do I need to do this?! My baby shower won't be until September but I know for a fact that I want you to do my cake.
(Ohhhhhhh dear! I guess I will have to hold off on that answer until you actually decide to ask me the official question.)

BB's Final Thoughts:

Nothing but pure dislike for you.

I'm Getting Married One Day...

DEAR BITCHY BAKER . . .

Bride on the phone:

"Hi. I'm getting married in 2014. I don't have an exact date yet, but I'm thinking September or October (2 of the busiest months of the year for me). I want to get this ball rolling so that when I'm ready to order my cake, I've tried enough samples to know who I want to do it. Also, how much does a 3 tier cake cost?"

Me:
"Since it is only January 2013, I think you might be a bit premature in coming in for your Consultation. First, it's important to know the date and venue because I'm not able to reserve your wedding cake without a date. Also, it's a little early to design your cake since you haven't made any signficant plans for the wedding yet.

Bride:
Oh, that's okay because I'm not ready to pick you yet. I just want to try all your flavors and get a price because I'm on a strict budget. And, I'd like to bring all my bridesmaides to get their opinions too.

Me:
I'd love to do your wedding cake. I would suggest that once you are further along in the planning process that you give me a call. Happy Wedding Planning and I look forward to hearing from you in the future!


What I'd like to say:

Listen honey, I realize that it is your PRIVILEGE to run all over town and "taste" cake at all the bakeries so that in the end you can chose the poor soul that has the cheapest price because YOU ARE on a strict budget. However, I'm on a strict budget also in running my business and I don't provide "tasting parties" for you and your 5 bridesmaides to enjoy for free so that perhaps when you are ready you WON'T give me the privilege of making your cheap cake because I'm too expensive. Furthermore, I've found that brides who come in excess of a year and a half before their wedding somehow don't end up getting married, well at least to that person on that date.


BAKERY TALES

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BB's Final Thoughts,

In yo face!! Well said, and a big ole AMEN!! Haha

I'd Like To Order A Cake

This post was sent to me by an Custom Baker in the South - This lady called their bakery and said in a high pitched southern accent...

"So ya'll make cakes right?" (Our company name has the word cake in it...) "What's the smallest cake ya'll do? Like a 22 inch?" I tried to explain, no Ma'am. 22" is almost 2 feet.

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BB's Final Thoughts :

Oh Wow!! Yes, that's the smallest cake they do and it'll cost $2,000 will that be cash or charge?

One At A Time

I'm having this really annoying conversation with the mother of the Bride because I guess it must be too hard for the bride to speak on her own behalf. She writes as her first message...

Do u do consults?

--> uh no, I just show up on your wedding day with a cake I designed for you just based on that previous message... I'm seeing white, 3 tiers, and in my high pitch sorority girl voice "something simple" because that's what every bride wants...

My reply with a little bit of smart ass-ism "Yes I do"

Her: Do you do tastings?

--> Again, that same cake I've made 1000 times... Vanilla, just something plain, a crowd pleaser.

My reply: "Yes I do"

--> I mean why waste both our time by asking one ducking question at a TIME! Why would you just not give me all the ducking information and if its not what you want to hear, move on!!
I hate you and I don't want to do your daughters cake because she's probably just like you and the consult will take hours if I have to wait for you both to ask me any questions.

Don't you wish sometimes when you reply to messages, they could hear how hard you are typing each individual letter out of annoyance and hatred of their stupidity!

Breaking News

(Newscaster voice) This just in, a local baker is in jail for murder. She pleaded guilty to the charges. Apparently, some woman touched her cake to see if it was real.

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH Hell No!!! I'm really not sure if there is anything more infuriating than some dumb ass overgrown child-adult who some how missed their quota of touching things as a child, and is now making up for it as an adult and will now be paying for it... with their life! I cannot tell you how many shows I have attended to promote my business with faux cakes where some idiot was knocking on them, poking them, petting them, or rubbing them. I honestly cannot wrap my mind around the idiocy! Never mind the fact that you are putting your unwashed (had to edit myself)  hands all over my cake and spreading your germs, but think of how you could potential destroy my hours of hard work. Oh, you didn't think of that did you... that's because you are a selfish asshole!

My mom always tells me I have a Billboard Face. A face that can hide no emotion, especially hate! I might have lost a few orders because of it, but at least I spared their lives!


@#$%&@#$#$$%^^&&!@@#$$### Ahhhhhhh!!!!

No Punch Cards

Yes, I would like to order a cake for my daughter's birthday. My husband's birthday is next month, and I have three other daughter's whose birthdays are coming up as well. If I like your cake will you be offering me any discounts for all these orders I will place in the future?

Thanks,
Mrs. Entitlement

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Uh, how do I say this without upsetting you....

DUCK IT let me just tell you how it is here... this is my job, this is what I do for a living! So, if you decide to order cakes from me, it because you decide to order a cake from me!! This isn't an ice cream parlor where you get a punch out for every $5 or more you spend. If you are getting a discount it is because I decide I am giving you a discount for your loyalty. You get nothing for thinking you deserve one!

Too Much Info, Yet Not Enough

I am constantly screaming at my computer and phone when I get these emails...

Hey BB,

I am getting married, and I am not really sure what kind of cake I want. I know I want something simple and it needs to serve about 150 people. My fiancé and I met at a coffee shop. I really hate coffee but my friends made me go so I just had to drink hot chocolate. Call me a kid, but I love how they put the whipped cream on top of it with a chocolate drizzle I always add a couple of shakes of cinnamon to mine too... YUMMY! Anyways, he was the one who made my drink and he asked for my number! So, we went on a few dates and we just fell in love and now here we are planning our wedding! So I wanted to know if you were booked in October?

Thanks,
TooMuchInfo McGee

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Wow, I couldn't hate you anymore than I do right now! Which ducking day in October! You take the time to write me about your drink preferences but it doesn't occur to you to mention the exact day of your wedding?! I cannot think of anything MORE important than that number when planning a wedding. You know what, nevermind, I'm booked... every ducking day in October! How about you sip on them words and don't forget the cinnamon!!

Dear Bride,

Lovely bride, I understand that you are just so scatterbrained and can't keep anything straight, but this was ridiculous. You asked me to take your insanely narrow and tall cake to the venue 4 hours before the ceremony. No biggie, but you KNEW that you were getting married in the same room as the reception, and were going to do a tear down and setup right afterwards. And the high school kids hired to be waiters for the evening were going to put MY cake in an unrefrigerated store room until then? And carry 5 tiers of tall narrow cake out a couple hours later up and down stairs outside, weaving in and out of people? And when I acted a bit exasperated to your ditzy on site coordinator that I had to return to the studio with your cake to bring it later (sorry, ONLY option, as there was no way this cake would have been ok left in the hands of THAT venue and it's people), please pardon the hell out of me, as I planned to leave town for a MUCH needed mini vacation. But it's ok. I stayed behind to babysit your cake. Cause you're the only freaking person alive and it was your big day.

So, you're welcome for the most beautiful cake that you AND that crappy venue have ever laid eyes on, and you're welcome for me cancelling my weekend trip for you. I assume your thank you note was lost in the mail.

Signed,

The Bothered Baker

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BB's Final Thoughts:

BOOM!! I got nothing... Perfectly said!!

I'll Get Right On That

Wow, it seems like most of us have this problem of our idiot clients waiting until the last ducking minute to order their cakes!

This is from a baker in Arizona...

On Friday at 11am, I received a voicemail from a potential client asking me if I could make a 3D Shark cake by 5pm, with a specific flavor. Ummm, no! How in the heck am I supposed to bake, cool, fill, carve, complete & deliver a cake like that in 6 hours (oh, and still finish and deliver all my other cakes on time). I called her back and told her I would need to have an order like that much earlier. But, maybe we could work together in the future, with more notice.

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BB's Final Thoughts:

I'll get right on that for you... oh, and what time will you be coming by to help me whip this up since you obviously think there is nothing to this whole cake making thing? That's what I thought...

No Monopoly Money Accepted

This Baker emailed me this story telling me that this conversation started Wednesday and has now dragged into today. She usually requires at least a week's notice, but was trying to help this client out...

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After discussing his order, I gave him the total of the cake.  His deposit came to $104.33.  His credit card only approved $78, so I tell him...

Me:  Your card only accepted a partial amount.  Will you be using another card for the rest.

Him:  Let me call the bank.  I'm not sure why that is.  I'll check with them because they "do be puttin' limits on me."

Me:  **SIGH** (Don't MOST credit cards come with limits?!)

He calls back and says "I can't pull any more money off the card.  I'm going to call my friend to see if she can come in and put the deposit down for me."

Me:  Make sure you call me back TODAY.  After today, I can't help you.

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SO, here we go this morning...He calls back trying to order the cake.  Once again, I said I would help him...

Him:  I have my friend who's going to use her card

Me:  Well is she on the line?

Him:  No, I have to call her and I'll call you back

*Slams the phone down*  Why not have her on the line already?  Is it me or is that how things should be handled?!

They now call back.  I run her card and it's declined.  She proceeds to go on about how her cards are never declined and I need to run it again.  Second time, it declines.  So they hang up.  Needless to say, I won't be helping them if they find a card that works.  SMH!
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BB's Final thoughts:

Money, that's what we cake bakers need in order to make your cake! It's crazy I know! I mean gosh why can't we still trade chickens and goats for our services. It's not like we have real jobs, we just sit around and play with flour and sugar and wait until our phone rings 2 days before your party as you express how important it is to have a cake at the event... yet you decided to wait until the last second to order our masterpieces. That's a big ole Duck You!

Intelligent People Only

Am I the only one who can instantly hate someone just from the first couple of lines in their email?

It really annoys me when words are misspelled and sentences aren't complete. I mean do you not proof read your messages! If I was getting married, I wouldn't want my first impression to be like this girl who emailed me...

"Can you make my cake wit dat kinda icin like on them tv shows?"

No, you don't sound dumb at all.

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Or my favorite bride who called to change our consult time as I was pulling into the parking space for  2 hours from then, and then once she showed up had a chip on her shoulder because I was annoyed that she moved the time without earlier notice. Then she proceeded to ask me if I could make my cake taste like a "cake."

I'm sorry, what?

"You know, like cake?!"

I'm really sorry I have no idea what you mean.

"You know, like a cake cake... Like from Walmart"

Ohhhh I see, you have a refined palate and only appreciate preservatives, dyes, riboflavin, and cancer causing ingredients. I'm sorry, guess I lost another customer to the famous Walmart "cake cake."

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Or the woman who writes in all capital letters because she's too lazy to shift from upper to lower case letters.

YES I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER A CUSTOM CAKE FOR MY FRIEND, HER BDAY IS TOMORROW.

Why are you yelling at me bitch?! Go back to grade school and learn how to type!

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I think I should just hire someone to deal with customers and I'll just work in my cake cave undisturbed!